Broken Bella Donna











{September 21, 2014}  

Ohhh.

Feeling so meh. Hormones no doubt, but meh.

Started a love bomb online. A page I frequent is full of women who criticize themselves, constantly. A combination of body issues and attention seeking. I encouraged them all to start a book, a wee notebook that they like the look of, or that they decorate themselves… something that represents them. And then to write down all the things that people say to them, compliments and things that make them smile, within its covers. Read it when you’re down, I said. I have one myself, I said. It hasn’t got a lot in it but what it has in it is sincere and made me feel good.

Then I encouraged everyone to private message those on the site that they admired – people they thought were awesome. funny, people they wanted to know they were appreciated. I got the ball rolling and sent out a few messages. One replied a nice message back. I went to bed. I honestly felt like this was a great thing, it encouraged everyone to show how much they appreciated each other and allowed people to learn what it was about them that was great!

I get up to nothing. I know people are doing it because others I have spoken to have told me they’ve received lots of lovely messages. Including one person I sent one to, who told me she sent a bunch out. She never sent one to me. That hurt. I did get another one today from a friend, but I dunno. I’m pissed off with myself because I started this for positive reasons and have ended up yet again feeling sorry for myself. I’ve created a beautiful thing to make other people happy, and help cement their friendships and boost their confidence but in the process I’ve shattered my own. I swore up and down, black and blue last night that I wouldn’t do this… I wouldn’t turn it into a popularity contest, or an attention seeking thing but here I am. Disappointed and sad that once again I’ve been overlooked. I’ve made something that makes other people happy, and I’ve lost something in the process – this seems to be the story of my life.

Wow! This is an awesome thing you did! I’m going to tell everyone why I appreciate and like them – except you. You can miss out. Great idea tho!

Grr.

I bring this on myself. I just need to STFU and stop seeking attention from random people whose opinion doesn’t really mean that much. Problem is, I don’t get any positive reinforcement from those whose opinion really should mean something? So at the end of the day, my own opinion is the only one that really counts. Sadly that isn’t great right now. I’ll get over it.

WAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Can’t even bring myself to make a positive list. I’ll aim higher next time. Life isn’t all that bad, I’m just being me.

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