Broken Bella Donna

{October 30, 2014}   Run, Forrest

I have a new obsession. Lets see how long this one lasts for.

For as long as I can remember I have wanted to be One Of Those People That Run. I’ve admired and envied runners, people who can just throw on their sneakers and hit the pavement. These sort of people run when they need to ‘clear their head’, they run off anxiety and stress, they run and run and run. And they are fit too. What’s not to envy?

I’ve always been raised being told our family ‘can’t run’. We just CAN’T. And women really shouldn’t. No explanations just that automatic excuse, that justification that it is somehow beyond our control.

So, four days ago I started to run. It’s more walking than running at the present, and it’s back and forth over a reasonably short distance to placate those who need placating but it is a start. And already I feel different. I feel clearer. I feel stronger? And I’m already thinking about it when I’m not doing it… that slap slap slap on the tarmac… how I can better my methods… planning my days around it.

Oh how I so want to be one of those people.

{October 20, 2014}  

Watching some reality teev because, well, I’m tragic.

There’s a pair of people on it, falling head over heels for each other simply because they’re in a weird situation. They wouldn’t necessarily have done it in ‘real life’ (or maybe they would?) but because of strange circumstances, have found each other, and are proclaiming love. He has a long term girlfriend, she ain’t it.

It is bringing back many feels.

Like a train wreck, I can’t stop watching.

It makes my heart hurt a lil.

{October 19, 2014}  

I think I was born with the knowledge of all the men in my head that I would meet, who would have some sort of impact on me – the men who would shape me and teach me, whether it be negatively or positively. Quite seriously, nearly every male that has had some sort of influence in my life (barring just one I think) has had a name that I’ve always loved, since I was very young, long before meeting most of them. PP, my last two exs, the first guy who really hurt me… even the random guy down the road who is awkwardly hot for me. Oddly, the one guy who really shaped who I am today the  most… I hated his name. The rest I loved. No in between. Lets assume I’m not picking people to socialise with based on their names.

{October 11, 2014}   Exhaustipated.

Feeling a touch spazzy. Not overly, but it’s def there. The proof is in my right shoulder, which is tense and sore.

A culmination of things… the married ex dropped by and was acting inappropriately again, leaving me unsure of myself an insecure in the situation. A yearly event is coming up again that has caused me to spazz every year for the last… well as long as I’ve been involved, I think. And I somewhat stupidly committed myself to help a friend tomorrow with her childs party, which is going to have a ridiculously high number of people at it for a kids party. The key issue being I have no idea what exactly she wants me to do, so I can’t mentally prepare myself. I may be stuck inside washing up all day or I may be running kids party games, who knows? The lack of knowledge makes me nervous. But it’s going to be worth my while, lets say, so that’s a bonus. And laying the ground work for future opportunities…

And I’m exhausted tired from running the house all day plus cooking for tomorrow (I’m helping cater) and wah. I’m irrationally tired. I have no right to be this tired but…. I’m so tired I can hardly sit up straight. I know if I get a solid sleep in tonight I’ll wake up fresh as a daisy and without a care in the world… I have the tablets here I was given for my spazz attacks, but I’m so wary of using them as a sleep aid (which they’re also recommended for) since they didn’t really work for my spazz attacks. That is to say, they just delayed the attack instead of letting me clear it and get past it. I’m wary that they  may have the same affect if I was to try one tonight to sleep. I keep meaning to try one one night as a test when I know I don’t have to go anywhere the next day but… never happens.

Hayfever is kicking my arse big time.

So? Where to from here to cheer up? Or, perhaps brighten up might be a better turn of phrase.

I got the old girl out the other day and took some photos of the lunar eclipse/blood moon. A friend liked one so much she wants a print and she’s willing to pay for it. Score! Must confess, feeling particularly smug about that for reasons.

Studies aren’t progressing as well as I’d hoped but still on track for the year.

Garden is growing and I am Mary Mary quite contrary. Is looking like being a great year so far and I can’t wait to get into cooking with all the lovely fresh produce… hoping to try preserving some more this year. As my life will be changing dramatically (hopefully) within the next 12-18 months I’m trying to learn to live more frugally and to provide for myself, no time like the present to start.

Still no progress on My Big Project but I’ve kinda written that off for a short while until I catch up on other duties.

My fave player for my footy team announced he’s playing on for another season 🙂


  • New customers equal more money
  • Christmas is coming! And I’m over half way thru shopping.
  • Weather is warming up!
  • Freshly washed hair
  • Laying back in bed playing on my tablet
  • Blogging until you feel better…

{October 4, 2014}   mehhhh.

Ohhh I’m feeling so indifferently blah at the present. I am in some sort of funk with no knowledge as to how I got there or why. Or how to get out, though history says I’ll get there soon enough.

Clashing with the mothership (who will henceforth be known as Madam Martyr) which is nothing new, only I suspect I’m intolerant to her bullshit for some reason at the moment. I’m just terribly bored of her pessimism. I’m tired of her negativity and how she won’t try and work a problem out, she just complains about it. I’m VERY bored of her gasping fish impersonation she does every time she isn’t getting her own way, and now she’s started clutching at her stomach and claiming stomach pain  every single damn time she feels like she’s under any sort of stress (bearing in mind that being expected to do the washing up, keep a deadline or do the housework is ‘stress’). It’s all mental. She just isn’t getting her way and she’s trying to make everyone feel bad for making her feel bad. She is an absolutely prime example of emotional abuse. I’m exceptionally  jack of it.

I’m also tired of everyone complaining to me about her behaviour. I KNOW what it’s like, I have put up with it for a long time. Please stop whinging to me about it. If you whinge, I not only have to put up with her whinging, but you whinging about her whinging. It’s tiresome. I don’t like it. In a station of my life where I’m trying to become more positive, trying to surround myself with happy things and quash the part of my brain that is excessively negative, I DO NOT NEED THIS SHIT.

Something I am working on at the moment, a brain change I’m very keen to obtain… is to realise that sometimes things are just things. Words are just words, actions are just actions, sometimes things just happen. They do not need to represent something, or imply, or forecast. Sometimes shit is just shit. Taking the time to realise this is actually making my life easier, believe it or not. My old pet is not haunting me to tell me there’s something wrong with my current pets. PP does not over interpret every little thing I say. My friend does not talk about me behind my back constantly just because she complains about other people to me. Sometimes… things ARE face value. And just because I over analyse everything that other people say or do, does not mean that they are over analysing everything I say or do.

Living life this way… assuming everything is representative of everything else.. is very tiring. Every look, word, suggestion MEANS something. And you have to identify what it means, or fret about it until you do. EVERYTHING is a sign. Everything is indicative. This is especially hard when you feel this way about life, and you have aging pets.

So… I’m working on this. I’m trying hard to not assume everything is a sign. Lets be honest here – it’s never been before. Every time I’ve assumed signs in the past, I don’t think they’ve EVER turned out to be right. So if Ms Brain is going to hook onto past history as proof that things CAN go wrong, well, she should remember that so far it’s been 100% crap.

And I’d not realised that before. Thanks Trusty Blog, you’ve done it again. You’ve allowed me to randomly waffle my way towards an epiphany in my own sweet time.

Spazz wise I’m feeling good. No issues on that front, because no stress or expectations. Two pending issues may arise soon tho – the community event I used to be heavily involved in is coming up in a few weeks and that always caused me concern in the past. I’m completely unsure why tho, so we’ll see if it’s a problem. The other thing is annoyingly stupid, and comes down to discomfort with eating in front of people coupled with forced proximity of someone I really don’t like. An inappropriate, rude old man who thinks he’s funny and he isn’t. But it looks like I’ll be forced to spend a day in his company soon… flip side is whilst there I’ll be learning some skills which will hopefully help me generate a little cash flow in the future. So short term pain for long term gain, and all that. I just have to come up with a good excuse as to why I wont be sitting down to a meal with them…

My Big project has crawled to a halt and I have no one to blame but myself. The job happening now is mine and I just have zero motivation. I’ve hit the skids because the previous job didn’t work out as I’d hoped and I’m sulking. When my friend was coming up to help it was forcing me to do something but he’s lost interest and so have I. Sighs. Trying to knock over my studies for the year and then fingers crossed I’ll be motivated with nothing hanging over my head.

Oh, yeah. Good things.

  • Bought myself a new pair of sexy trousers, at just under half price as they were second hand. Turns out they were second had but as new, and I risked a size smaller than I usually wear and they fit really well. So I’m comfy, cute and feeling good about that. Even tho the scales say I’ve put on weight. Go figure.
  • Started Christmas shopping like a boss.
  • Studies are on track to be completed within the school year, no worries.
  • Ongoing positive progress for Old Farts arthritis
  • Friend introduced me to kmart g strings. SO GOOD.

Speaking of g strings. The ongoing evolution of Me is just… astounding. I never thought I’d mature into the person I am today. The ways in which I have changed… had you told me a decade ago, two decades ago that I would be this person… I’d have laughed in your face. But that’s a blog post for another day.

et cetera