Broken Bella Donna











{October 4, 2014}   mehhhh.

Ohhh I’m feeling so indifferently blah at the present. I am in some sort of funk with no knowledge as to how I got there or why. Or how to get out, though history says I’ll get there soon enough.

Clashing with the mothership (who will henceforth be known as Madam Martyr) which is nothing new, only I suspect I’m intolerant to her bullshit for some reason at the moment. I’m just terribly bored of her pessimism. I’m tired of her negativity and how she won’t try and work a problem out, she just complains about it. I’m VERY bored of her gasping fish impersonation she does every time she isn’t getting her own way, and now she’s started clutching at her stomach and claiming stomach pain  every single damn time she feels like she’s under any sort of stress (bearing in mind that being expected to do the washing up, keep a deadline or do the housework is ‘stress’). It’s all mental. She just isn’t getting her way and she’s trying to make everyone feel bad for making her feel bad. She is an absolutely prime example of emotional abuse. I’m exceptionally  jack of it.

I’m also tired of everyone complaining to me about her behaviour. I KNOW what it’s like, I have put up with it for a long time. Please stop whinging to me about it. If you whinge, I not only have to put up with her whinging, but you whinging about her whinging. It’s tiresome. I don’t like it. In a station of my life where I’m trying to become more positive, trying to surround myself with happy things and quash the part of my brain that is excessively negative, I DO NOT NEED THIS SHIT.

Something I am working on at the moment, a brain change I’m very keen to obtain… is to realise that sometimes things are just things. Words are just words, actions are just actions, sometimes things just happen. They do not need to represent something, or imply, or forecast. Sometimes shit is just shit. Taking the time to realise this is actually making my life easier, believe it or not. My old pet is not haunting me to tell me there’s something wrong with my current pets. PP does not over interpret every little thing I say. My friend does not talk about me behind my back constantly just because she complains about other people to me. Sometimes… things ARE face value. And just because I over analyse everything that other people say or do, does not mean that they are over analysing everything I say or do.

Living life this way… assuming everything is representative of everything else.. is very tiring. Every look, word, suggestion MEANS something. And you have to identify what it means, or fret about it until you do. EVERYTHING is a sign. Everything is indicative. This is especially hard when you feel this way about life, and you have aging pets.

So… I’m working on this. I’m trying hard to not assume everything is a sign. Lets be honest here – it’s never been before. Every time I’ve assumed signs in the past, I don’t think they’ve EVER turned out to be right. So if Ms Brain is going to hook onto past history as proof that things CAN go wrong, well, she should remember that so far it’s been 100% crap.

And I’d not realised that before. Thanks Trusty Blog, you’ve done it again. You’ve allowed me to randomly waffle my way towards an epiphany in my own sweet time.

Spazz wise I’m feeling good. No issues on that front, because no stress or expectations. Two pending issues may arise soon tho – the community event I used to be heavily involved in is coming up in a few weeks and that always caused me concern in the past. I’m completely unsure why tho, so we’ll see if it’s a problem. The other thing is annoyingly stupid, and comes down to discomfort with eating in front of people coupled with forced proximity of someone I really don’t like. An inappropriate, rude old man who thinks he’s funny and he isn’t. But it looks like I’ll be forced to spend a day in his company soon… flip side is whilst there I’ll be learning some skills which will hopefully help me generate a little cash flow in the future. So short term pain for long term gain, and all that. I just have to come up with a good excuse as to why I wont be sitting down to a meal with them…

My Big project has crawled to a halt and I have no one to blame but myself. The job happening now is mine and I just have zero motivation. I’ve hit the skids because the previous job didn’t work out as I’d hoped and I’m sulking. When my friend was coming up to help it was forcing me to do something but he’s lost interest and so have I. Sighs. Trying to knock over my studies for the year and then fingers crossed I’ll be motivated with nothing hanging over my head.

Oh, yeah. Good things.

  • Bought myself a new pair of sexy trousers, at just under half price as they were second hand. Turns out they were second had but as new, and I risked a size smaller than I usually wear and they fit really well. So I’m comfy, cute and feeling good about that. Even tho the scales say I’ve put on weight. Go figure.
  • Started Christmas shopping like a boss.
  • Studies are on track to be completed within the school year, no worries.
  • Ongoing positive progress for Old Farts arthritis
  • Friend introduced me to kmart g strings. SO GOOD.

Speaking of g strings. The ongoing evolution of Me is just… astounding. I never thought I’d mature into the person I am today. The ways in which I have changed… had you told me a decade ago, two decades ago that I would be this person… I’d have laughed in your face. But that’s a blog post for another day.

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