Broken Bella Donna

{November 20, 2014}  

Righto this will make for an interesting experiment. I have started this entry as a word doc on my tablet, and if it makes its way successfully to my blog it means I have not only learned how to type word docs on the tablet,  but then transfer them to the lofty heights of the cloud, and then back to my PC. (And here I am, so huzzah! Success is mine!)

I don’t know more i feel at three moment… I no longer have my comfortable feeling that all will be ok in the long run. Because I genuinely gave no idea. I had that solid feeling that we would met again and connect again,and time will tell if that is what occurred here but in then meantime I’m worried that that was my chance and that I might’ve blown it? I have to wait until the dust settles and see if I still have that positive feeling of reconnection down the track.

I have worked my way through the usual motley collection of hangover emotions… joy, neediness, sadness, anxiousness, etc etc. I have celebrated and worried and planned and been disappointed. It’s always the same shit, always forgotten by the next time.

I have made the mistake tho of downloading our entire back catalogue of messages and have been reading through from the very first onwards, remember stuff and keeping little tidbits along the way. I’m not terribly far thru yet and it has surprisingly made me feel happy. I didn’t make it up. I didn’t imagine it.

But today brings even more introspective fun for me.

Today is a weird day. The weather is pretty much the same as the first day of the first chapter. And today is the anniversary of the last chapters close. This anniversary has snuck up fast, it doesn’t feel like that long ago… and all I can dwell on is how much I have changed.

I am light years from that girl. Now that chapter has closed in my life I have been allowed (or perhaps allowed myself may be more accurate) to move on. And I have grown. I am… unrecognisable now. Not physically – physically I am much the same, maybe a few kg heavier, maybe a wrinkle or two. But the way I think, the way I carry myself… the way I communicate with others, the way I view others… I am just… more. I am learning to live again. Learning to love perhaps, myself and/or others.

I desperately need to communicate. I have a plethora of thoughts in my head, crap rattling around that can’t find its way into sensible structures, things I can’t get out in coherent thoughts. It must be how a two year old feels. I want to point and things and shout single words until people realise what I mean. I want to talk in my sleep and see what comes out. I want desperately to close my eyes and let words fall until something makes sense. I want… to talk to someone who understands everything without me having to say it, and can help tease it out. But he wont bloody well log on!

Que sera sera.

  • learning more about my tablet and feeling like a clever grown up
  • rain on the roof
  • coffee
  • waiting on parcels in the mail
  • solid nights sleep!

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