Broken Bella Donna

{November 23, 2014}  

Somewhere in the last month there’s a happy medium to all this. Somewhere between the angst and the thrill, the stress and the joy, the fear and the pleasure, the uncertainty and the certainty… I want to keep going but I can only come up with negatives. Loathing, misery. The unbridled fucking anger. I once made this long windy post about love and hate being one and the same… I have no idea if it is here, or was on a previous blog, or perhaps never made it past my desktop computer. In which case it’s long gone now. But I feel like it still applies. Each end of a very extreme spectrum; the strong emotions.

I’m tired of things as they are. I’m tired of feeling like our relationship (in whatever form it may come) is on constant tenterhooks. I am ready to let you go, maybe for a short while, maybe for a long while. Maybe until next time we meet, in another life. This devastates me to think. But I just can’t deal with your shit right now. I told you I’ve changed a lot in the last 19 months and you agreed, and said more than I realise… I have no idea how you came to that opinion, but perhaps you are very right.

I want you in my life. I think perhaps I need you in my life – I certainly needed, past tense. I’m unsure about present or future tense. But does my wants and needs outweigh the fact that at the present moment… it doesn’t feel like it’s healthy for me.

What makes me sad is that feeling of certainty, that we would come together again.. I’m not feeling it. I don’t remember at what stage I felt it last time. I hope to feel it again.

We’ve had two very, very brief conversations since we saw each other. And both times you were quite cold. And it reminds me of when you walked. And I don’t want to go through all that again. Nay, I cannot go through all that again. So I’m not going to push this time.

Whoa. I just read back on my last entry. I know I was angry and upset and I went straight to bed after sending and had a sook. But I do not remember writing that last paragraph. That hit me right in the feels.

And I just realised I am once again blogging as if this was a personal letter to you. Sometimes it feels like this entire blog is a personal letter to you. All the feelings and thoughts of a sad little individual who is empty of life, and full of disappointment and distress. Full of feelings and emotions and needs to communicate and nothing and no one to give them to, except my furry four legged friends.

  • Studies are coming together and nearly done for the year.
  • Motivation to take the next step in My Big Project is still waning but about to be forced because, well fuck it. If I’m going to hate life I may as well have one less excuse to.
  • Christmas shopping is about done, a month early.
  • I have nothing to whinge about, my basic needs are met and I really need to STFU and stop it with the expectations.

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