Broken Bella Donna

{November 29, 2014}  

I’m tired of having all these brilliant epiphanies when I wake up, or just before falling asleep… and then whenever I can sit at a computer, it’s gone or worse yet it’s just there, on the fringes and I can remember enough to get the gist of it but never the details, never enough to actually make it so. It’s just waffling around, frustrating me.

I am in a happy space again, or at least a tolerable one where I’m content to just sit and be. I no longer check if you’re online, no longer fight the urge to talk to you. You are there, I am here, whatever. Que sera, sera. I did have this  brilliant idea about leaving you a message to make a clear and succinct point that I need to talk to you but it’s more or less gone, and frankly sitting here with the radio going isn’t helping… catchy music just forces my thoughts  a little further away from somewhere useful.

I wanted to tell you… that when you are ready to have a grown up talk, to come and find me. And we would have it. And I would for once and for all finally ask you if you feel it. And I anticipate you’ll try and buy time and ask… feel what? But you would know. And I want to know – can you feel it? Is it there? That’s all I want to know. I just want justification that this has been for something. And then you an fuck off away again and come back whenever it is safe to do so. And I would be happy knowing that it is there. But we both know you never answer a question straight so there’s zero point in doing that, because you’ll cage and hedge and never answer anything and I’ll get frustrated and then you’ll stop talking to me again for however long it takes you to get over it this time. So there’s no point. And it’s just another excuse I’m making up to touch base to try and get you to communicate so…. I’ll file that one away as not happening. Or at least not happening until I can either word shit better, or I fall and give up and contact you, reach out to you because I can’t bear to wait any longer.

In spite of all this, I really am ok with the situation at the present.. I still don’t necessarily  have that feeling of security , positiveness, that we will find each other again one day… I don’t know where that went and  am still worried it has gone for a good reason. But oh well. I learned a lot from you, and I’m not 100% sure that perhaps I haven’t learned it all? I don’t know. You said you haven’t finished yet but oh well, you would. That’s the sort of thing you’d say when you’re packing 365 days of affection and attention into 4 hours.

  • Studies done for the year. Have I already used this one? I can’t remember. Bad luck if I had, it’s worth repeating!
  • Puppies
  • Having finished my Christmas shopping a month out
  • Finally starting to get some fresh produce from the garden
  • Starting to get a little mojo back to do stuff.

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