Broken Bella Donna











{December 29, 2014}  

I don’t even.

Spazz attacks are trying to arc up again at the moment, because I tried to force myself to do something I really didn’t want to do, for perfectly good ‘normal’ reasons. However, understanding the problem doesn’t help, as it never does. As usual I’m just going to have to force myself to deal with it, and traumatise myself in the process.

My boys are both worrying me (mildly) about their health. Strange lumps for one, but there can only be just so many lumps before the whole thing becomes passe, and the vet doesn’t seem overly concerned. It just feels like every time i touch him I find another? And the wee sprout is just acting slightly off, occasionally cranky and poking at his dinner a bit. Which in itself isn’t overly worrying but…

When I sit down and think about it, there’s actually very few legit reasons for me to feel spazzy. I just do. There’s no voluntary stress, there’s no job stress, no study stress.

And it could well be the time of year. I hate NY, it always leaves me feeling like a bucket of shit, like I haven’t done anything with my year. Like I’ve wasted my time and everyone elses, I’m amounting to nothing and worst of all, I’m one year closer to losing my #1 four legged boy. And that terrifies me. Also, this time of year was the business end with my girl, when shit got bad and I lost her. So that is at the back of my brain too, nearly two years on, even tiny things like the weather make me think of her. And what happened. And what could happen again.

Basically, everything is banding together to make me feel a bit shit. And with no tangible reason I can point at to others, to make them understand. Which makes it harder.

So anyway. It has been a good while since I last blogged. In the past this would be indicative of life moving along fairly smoothly… and that would be correct. Up until I got ill, things were pretty good, no problems. Again with the constant white noise of thoughts in my head, but that’s something I’ve grown accustomed to. I would love something healthy, nice and fun to obsess over, I really would… something to fill my thoughts, push out the negativity, give me something to strive towards. But at present there is naught – the logical thing would be to make ME the healthy, fun thing. To use ME to push out negativity, to strive towards ME. But I’m still entirely unsure how to do this?

Perhaps I should set myself some attainable 2015 goals. But right now that seems too hard.

  • Being podgey after Christmas because it meant I got lots of food
  • Snuggling under the doona in surprise cool weather
  • Being the cats favourite
  • Finding my fave shorts and they still fit and they’re still comfy!
  • Tidying and sorting.
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{December 11, 2014}   Change

I have a blog entry in my head about change. All about how I am not the person I used to be, how I’ve changed so much, how I have nothing in common with the old me. How sometimes I wonder if this is a positive of negative thing. But for some weird reason every time I sit down to blog about it, it wont come out. It has been there, in my brain for months… maybe even over a year. But it just wont. Come. Out.

In fact… there’s a lot in my head that I can’t access at the moment. I’m unsure why but I can’t seem to unlock my brain and let all of the stagnant oil out. I am pottering along, putting one foot in front of the other, without any ability to drain my brain of the clutter within. This isn’t bothering me as much as it has in the past.

Don’t get me wrong.. I’m not bad. I’m not sad, or in a weird place. I am, all things considering pretty chipper. I am once again at peace with where things are at with PP, in fact more so than I was prior to the last meeting of the minds.  He has vanished into the wild blue yonder once again and I honestly don’t mind at the present. But I’m still unsure as to whether or not I feel like he’s coming back this time, or perhaps I am just at peace with the concept that his job is done and that’s that. It’s still worrying.

But it is frustrating… as I would like to blog. I would like to record the things that are rattling around this wee head of mine, as talking shit over helps my brain to line it all up, as is well documented on here. Perhaps there’s nothing to blog out? I find that hard to believe.

So.

A fortnight out from Christmas and I am hoping this one is better than the last. Present shopping is about done. No plans with family or anything at this stage, so looking to be a day the same as any other, but with  more food.

Still no progress on TBP due to injury. Which is a shame as I’ve been a bit keen to get started on it again. Hopefully be back to 110% fitness again shortly and can resume, and take some more steps towards ridding myself of the toxic environment I find myself in! The aforementioned injury has also curtailed my new jogging habits, but so is the weather. It’s looking sadly like that might be another of my fitness/health kicks that is short lived – boo.

It feels like I’m  blogging for the sake of blogging now.



{December 3, 2014}   Memos and stuff

So I keep having brilliant thoughts when I go to bed and I can’t blog because, well, bed. So I’ve started using the memo feature on my tablet (which I keep beside my bed) and writing down little memos. The four I have done thus far with intention to blog have been…

19/11/14: Soul achingly lonely.

19/11/14: Looking for positivity at the end of the tunnel but scared of the path I have to take to get there.

19/11/14: 90% of the time I’m so thankful to have found you… the other 10 I’m fucking devastated.

2/12/14: A friend told me I wont know myself when I move out. That’s what I’m afraid of.

Hm. That last one could use some prodding and poking at, a blog entry one day perhaps. But not tonight.

The other morning I had an epiphany about, well, the usual suspect. Sadly I did not pop it down in a memo and now it’s rattling around the periphery of my conscious, which isn’t much fucking help to me when I’m trying to work through shit. I do remember it related to learning… how we came into each others lives, what we were supposed to learn from each other, and the likelihood of having learned it. I know he told me recently that yes, he has learned much,and no he has not finished learning and that we must stay in contact. I know I have (somewhat repeatedly in this blog) learned much from him and have been speculating if perhaps that was it and it was time to drift apart again… but I got to thinking… yes I HAVE learned love from him – I have learned I am capable of it, and I have learned that others can indeed love me and why they may do so, warts and all, in spite of my opinions of myself. But what I am yet to learn… what I am learning as I go, is how to love myself – the way I loved myself when I’m in love. That sparkle, that joy de vivre, that braver, smarter, funnier person I become. I need to become that person all the time, not just when I think I am accepted by another. I need to learn to embrace myself, love life, enjoy it and what it offers. I need to relax and be at peace with myself and what life offers me. I need to forgive others and let go of the resentment. (That is perhaps the hardest for me – letting go of anger and resentment.)

And every time he comes back into my life and I allow myself to wallow, I allow myself to suddenly feel better simply because he indicates he still finds me attractive or whatever… every time I find myself obsessively checking for him, glancing where I think he might come from… I’m back at square one. I am looking for him to make me feel better. Simply, I must feel better on my own. I must find that strength in me to be the best me I can be – and until I am that person, until I can find my inner love and acceptance, I doubt I’ll find him active in my life? I need to be that person to let him back in, and until then I think things will probably just stay as they are now…

I need to see a message from him and think… yay. I’ll read that in a sec. It’ll be nice to catch up. Not see one and think… OMG MUST READ NOW ANSWER IMMEDIATELY TALK FOREVER.

So how do I find that person? I need to work it out.

Hmm.

Wanted to progress on My Big Project this week but back has crapped out temporarily (I hope) which puts a dampener on things. As does the weather, literally. So catching up on random stuff around the house instead – so nice to be able to concentrate on things without feeling bad that I should be studying.

  • A good offer landed in my lap today with the potential to make more $
  • My very first advent calander
  • Online shopping
  • Being organised for Christmas over a month early
  • Avoiding conflict by being a proper grown up
  • A clean house
  • My health
  • Bed 🙂


et cetera