Broken Bella Donna











{December 3, 2014}   Memos and stuff

So I keep having brilliant thoughts when I go to bed and I can’t blog because, well, bed. So I’ve started using the memo feature on my tablet (which I keep beside my bed) and writing down little memos. The four I have done thus far with intention to blog have been…

19/11/14: Soul achingly lonely.

19/11/14: Looking for positivity at the end of the tunnel but scared of the path I have to take to get there.

19/11/14: 90% of the time I’m so thankful to have found you… the other 10 I’m fucking devastated.

2/12/14: A friend told me I wont know myself when I move out. That’s what I’m afraid of.

Hm. That last one could use some prodding and poking at, a blog entry one day perhaps. But not tonight.

The other morning I had an epiphany about, well, the usual suspect. Sadly I did not pop it down in a memo and now it’s rattling around the periphery of my conscious, which isn’t much fucking help to me when I’m trying to work through shit. I do remember it related to learning… how we came into each others lives, what we were supposed to learn from each other, and the likelihood of having learned it. I know he told me recently that yes, he has learned much,and no he has not finished learning and that we must stay in contact. I know I have (somewhat repeatedly in this blog) learned much from him and have been speculating if perhaps that was it and it was time to drift apart again… but I got to thinking… yes I HAVE learned love from him – I have learned I am capable of it, and I have learned that others can indeed love me and why they may do so, warts and all, in spite of my opinions of myself. But what I am yet to learn… what I am learning as I go, is how to love myself – the way I loved myself when I’m in love. That sparkle, that joy de vivre, that braver, smarter, funnier person I become. I need to become that person all the time, not just when I think I am accepted by another. I need to learn to embrace myself, love life, enjoy it and what it offers. I need to relax and be at peace with myself and what life offers me. I need to forgive others and let go of the resentment. (That is perhaps the hardest for me – letting go of anger and resentment.)

And every time he comes back into my life and I allow myself to wallow, I allow myself to suddenly feel better simply because he indicates he still finds me attractive or whatever… every time I find myself obsessively checking for him, glancing where I think he might come from… I’m back at square one. I am looking for him to make me feel better. Simply, I must feel better on my own. I must find that strength in me to be the best me I can be – and until I am that person, until I can find my inner love and acceptance, I doubt I’ll find him active in my life? I need to be that person to let him back in, and until then I think things will probably just stay as they are now…

I need to see a message from him and think… yay. I’ll read that in a sec. It’ll be nice to catch up. Not see one and think… OMG MUST READ NOW ANSWER IMMEDIATELY TALK FOREVER.

So how do I find that person? I need to work it out.

Hmm.

Wanted to progress on My Big Project this week but back has crapped out temporarily (I hope) which puts a dampener on things. As does the weather, literally. So catching up on random stuff around the house instead – so nice to be able to concentrate on things without feeling bad that I should be studying.

  • A good offer landed in my lap today with the potential to make more $
  • My very first advent calander
  • Online shopping
  • Being organised for Christmas over a month early
  • Avoiding conflict by being a proper grown up
  • A clean house
  • My health
  • Bed 🙂
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