Broken Bella Donna











{December 29, 2014}  

I don’t even.

Spazz attacks are trying to arc up again at the moment, because I tried to force myself to do something I really didn’t want to do, for perfectly good ‘normal’ reasons. However, understanding the problem doesn’t help, as it never does. As usual I’m just going to have to force myself to deal with it, and traumatise myself in the process.

My boys are both worrying me (mildly) about their health. Strange lumps for one, but there can only be just so many lumps before the whole thing becomes passe, and the vet doesn’t seem overly concerned. It just feels like every time i touch him I find another? And the wee sprout is just acting slightly off, occasionally cranky and poking at his dinner a bit. Which in itself isn’t overly worrying but…

When I sit down and think about it, there’s actually very few legit reasons for me to feel spazzy. I just do. There’s no voluntary stress, there’s no job stress, no study stress.

And it could well be the time of year. I hate NY, it always leaves me feeling like a bucket of shit, like I haven’t done anything with my year. Like I’ve wasted my time and everyone elses, I’m amounting to nothing and worst of all, I’m one year closer to losing my #1 four legged boy. And that terrifies me. Also, this time of year was the business end with my girl, when shit got bad and I lost her. So that is at the back of my brain too, nearly two years on, even tiny things like the weather make me think of her. And what happened. And what could happen again.

Basically, everything is banding together to make me feel a bit shit. And with no tangible reason I can point at to others, to make them understand. Which makes it harder.

So anyway. It has been a good while since I last blogged. In the past this would be indicative of life moving along fairly smoothly… and that would be correct. Up until I got ill, things were pretty good, no problems. Again with the constant white noise of thoughts in my head, but that’s something I’ve grown accustomed to. I would love something healthy, nice and fun to obsess over, I really would… something to fill my thoughts, push out the negativity, give me something to strive towards. But at present there is naught – the logical thing would be to make ME the healthy, fun thing. To use ME to push out negativity, to strive towards ME. But I’m still entirely unsure how to do this?

Perhaps I should set myself some attainable 2015 goals. But right now that seems too hard.

  • Being podgey after Christmas because it meant I got lots of food
  • Snuggling under the doona in surprise cool weather
  • Being the cats favourite
  • Finding my fave shorts and they still fit and they’re still comfy!
  • Tidying and sorting.
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