Broken Bella Donna

{February 28, 2015}  

It’s been awhile… again. The things in the past that I’ve used to settle my nerves… I don’t seem to be referring back to them lately, in spite of my spazz attacks being an ongoing issue, albeit one that I seem to be reigning in again. For now?

I had a blast from the past recently somewhat out of the blue – and out of context. I stumbled across someone who meant something to me many, many moons ago. And it was strange. He has hardly changed at all, and it was so nice to see him but…  it felt like there was the chance he had no real interest in seeing me. Like he could’ve happily have visually skimmed over me and perhaps not even registered that I was there. This, in spite of the fact I thought we were reasonably good friends back then. In fact, should it not have been for the circumstances at the time I honestly felt like perhaps we could’ve had a crack at perhaps something more. Maybe this was the truth, and that was why he behaved this way? Perhaps it was fiction made up in the mind of a scared and lonely girl, and he felt awkward because he was aware of that. I’ll never know. But I know seeing him hit me right in the feels. It reminded me how much I fancied him back then, how much I wished things were different and how I used to try and orchestrate opportunities to see him, and how I’d read into and analyse every bloody thing he said or did. Geez. I was young, that’s my excuse!

I am making forward progress with the recent influx of spazz attacks tho, so life is on the up and up there. I am finding myself identifying smaller individual aspects of my spazz attacks this time around, almost as if I am stepping back from them (to a point) and looking at them as someone else would. Not necessarily at the peak of an attack, but certainly around it. I also find myself completely at a loss afterwards as to why I felt the way I felt… I can’t sit here and work myself in a state thinking about what caused it, because it makes no sense to me that they should have occurred.IN spite of the fact that I actually know exactly why. This is new, different and strange. I hope it’s forward progress, progress towards perhaps beating them.

I am striding forward purposefully in regards to My Big Project at the present. I am forward planning, sorting out all the logical steps and dropping some serious cash. I am feeling organised, grown up and like I can see a light at the end of this long, looooong tunnel. I have a feeling this reinvigorated enthusiasm is a common occurrence after a spazz session. I wonder what that means?

The boychick is doing well atm in spite of some dodgy discomfort inducing weather – am in the process of trialling a new natural treatment that may not only  bring respite from the current issue but may even resolve another, or perhaps prevent anything worse… time will tell. I’m all about making my life less stressful and hey, it’s cheaper than his current treatment so if it works… everyone wins… which is usually a pretty good guarantee it wont 😦

I am working on a really good blog entry in a work doc, based on an interested thing I read on the internet recently. I am yet to post it for two reasons… it’s not finished and it reveals a terrible lot about me. I’m not sure I’m comfortable sharing it here… I still live in fear that I’ll be rumbled by someone I know, and they’ll put two and two together and get me. And it really is such an ongoing thing.. I feel like it could end up ten pages long and still not be complete. It is an interesting perspective into my life (or many lives as the case may be) and will make for very interesting reading down the track when I’ve forgotten what I wrote.

I feel like I’ve been sitting on a heap of intelligent, well thought out discussion points but as per usual as soon as I open a blog entry… poofskies. All gone.

{February 1, 2015}  

So it has been awhile. Much has happened, none of which I wanted down on (semi) permanent record. I’ve been doing it hard with the spazz attacks and have only just started getting a grip on them again. Good news is, the medication I got last time wasn’t a complete fail… I just had different expectations, unrealistic ones. Now I have marginally moved the boundaries of expectation, things are going a bit smoother. I had hoped they were a resolution – they’re not. They are simply an aid, a crutch to use to allow myself time to deal and heal. And that they are doing, and I am making very small baby step progress… but it’s forward. Which is the important thing. Onwards and upwards.

Been dwelling again on PP, after having had one very unsatisfactory conversation recently. Had another slightly more satisfactory one tonight… still not sure where I stand. He placated me with many reasons that don’t hold water, excuses that didn’t really line up. I have one very detailed blog entry about him rattling around in my head but tonight… it isn’t forthcoming. No doubt it’ll arrive at speed at stupid o’clock, as I’m drifting off to sleep (when all my best epiphanies do) and no doubt it will go unrecorded once again. Lets hope the mere thought process is enough to help sort things out in my head. I find myself moving further and further away from the person that I was when I realised I had fallen in love with him… and I really don’t want to let it go. I liked myself better then. I liked being in love. I’m about to start rehashing the same old bullshit now so I’ll stop.

I don’t have any exciting nor wonderful to blog about. I don’t particularly need to work through anything in my head. I don’t even know why I’m here, other than I suppose I feel like it’s been a long while – first time all year in fact.

Life is still moving along at the same pace. Progress in The Big Project has temporarily stalled due to lack of time and the desire to settle down the spazz attacks before I continue.  But I did make some good progress there and have started thinking about the next step. Studies will be commencing again soon, which isn’t a highlight but I have decided 2015 will be my last year (for now) which is a big step for me. So at least I know there’s an end to it, but now I need to start thinking ahead and saving for less financial times. Work hasn’t really changed. Honestly, nothing much has changed. I have been spending all my time and concentration on beating back the spazz attacks again. Thank god my voluntary commitments wont be an issue this year, as i finally managed to walk away from them (in a responsibility capacity anyway, I probably should still attend but we’ll see, that’ll come down to my state of mind).

Positive things? I’ve been focusing hard on positive thoughts lately, to bully out the bad ones.

  • Scoring lots of free stuff for My Big Project
  • Getting on top of the spazz attacks
  • Pizza
  • My favourite boys
  • Bras that make your boobs look awesome
  • Making people happy
  • Getting A back, repaired and good as new
  • Snuggling under the covers on a cool night
  • Clean teeth.

et cetera