Broken Bella Donna

{February 1, 2015}  

So it has been awhile. Much has happened, none of which I wanted down on (semi) permanent record. I’ve been doing it hard with the spazz attacks and have only just started getting a grip on them again. Good news is, the medication I got last time wasn’t a complete fail… I just had different expectations, unrealistic ones. Now I have marginally moved the boundaries of expectation, things are going a bit smoother. I had hoped they were a resolution – they’re not. They are simply an aid, a crutch to use to allow myself time to deal and heal. And that they are doing, and I am making very small baby step progress… but it’s forward. Which is the important thing. Onwards and upwards.

Been dwelling again on PP, after having had one very unsatisfactory conversation recently. Had another slightly more satisfactory one tonight… still not sure where I stand. He placated me with many reasons that don’t hold water, excuses that didn’t really line up. I have one very detailed blog entry about him rattling around in my head but tonight… it isn’t forthcoming. No doubt it’ll arrive at speed at stupid o’clock, as I’m drifting off to sleep (when all my best epiphanies do) and no doubt it will go unrecorded once again. Lets hope the mere thought process is enough to help sort things out in my head. I find myself moving further and further away from the person that I was when I realised I had fallen in love with him… and I really don’t want to let it go. I liked myself better then. I liked being in love. I’m about to start rehashing the same old bullshit now so I’ll stop.

I don’t have any exciting nor wonderful to blog about. I don’t particularly need to work through anything in my head. I don’t even know why I’m here, other than I suppose I feel like it’s been a long while – first time all year in fact.

Life is still moving along at the same pace. Progress in The Big Project has temporarily stalled due to lack of time and the desire to settle down the spazz attacks before I continue.  But I did make some good progress there and have started thinking about the next step. Studies will be commencing again soon, which isn’t a highlight but I have decided 2015 will be my last year (for now) which is a big step for me. So at least I know there’s an end to it, but now I need to start thinking ahead and saving for less financial times. Work hasn’t really changed. Honestly, nothing much has changed. I have been spending all my time and concentration on beating back the spazz attacks again. Thank god my voluntary commitments wont be an issue this year, as i finally managed to walk away from them (in a responsibility capacity anyway, I probably should still attend but we’ll see, that’ll come down to my state of mind).

Positive things? I’ve been focusing hard on positive thoughts lately, to bully out the bad ones.

  • Scoring lots of free stuff for My Big Project
  • Getting on top of the spazz attacks
  • Pizza
  • My favourite boys
  • Bras that make your boobs look awesome
  • Making people happy
  • Getting A back, repaired and good as new
  • Snuggling under the covers on a cool night
  • Clean teeth.

Life is never really a bad thing when pizza is involved. Source: I eat pizza professionally.

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