Broken Bella Donna

{March 14, 2015}  

I keep rolling on in here to blog and keep rolling on back out. I have much to say, and can write a fantastic blog entry every  night when I go to bed and turn off the lights… but when I’m here? Nada. Not a goddamn thing.

Had an unexpected visitor recently – a bad one. Someone that PP had warned the household against in the past, said not to become involved. Bad news kinda person. The Mothership ignored this advice and thus placed the household in the path of someone whose path you do not want to cross. It was crossed. Not fun. This pulled PP back into my immediate surrounds, albeit temporarily…

I struggle. I really, really do. When he’s here, when he’s close enough to touch and when we’re speaking face to face it’s like nothing has changed. The fun is still there, the comfort, how natural it is. Only one thing has changed… (well that’s a lie. EVERYTHING has changed.) But for me, the most identifiable thing? I just… want to touch him. Not even sexually. But I just… NEED to touch him. And I’m quick to point out here – I am not a touchy person. I find touch uncomfortable and weird. I’ve never been tactile, I was raised not to be, not to expect it, not to enjoy it. But here, I have this person who means so much to me that I just want to… put my hand on their knee. Pat their hand. Hold their hand. Rest my head on their shoulder. Just… feel them. As I said, it isn’t sexual, I don’t want fodder for fantasies or to feel anything that way. I never felt the urge to touch him prior to our fateful night of doom, so the question begs – do I want to recapture that feeling, that night with physical contact? At the time it felt so natural, so right. Everything was exactly as it should be, where it should be. Or is it because I just want to tangible proof that it is real, he is real, he is there? I just want to sit there, hold his hand and stare at him and I’ve NEVER felt that way before. About ANYONE.

If I had to sum it up in a word it would be… comfort. I feel comforted, safe and protected when he is here. I know he is here for ME. To protect ME. He would lay his life on the line for ME. Ahead of anyone else here. That is an amazing feeling to have. And one, whilst I know it to be true, that I cannot share with any other. And I have to pretend isn’t true, and can never acknowledge to him.

His behaviour since all this went down has reminded me of thus. It’s cold comfort almost, knowing that this is the case. Because whilst nothing has changed, everything has changed. and I will never get to enjoy it.


Spazz attacks are still present and accounted for, tho I feel on the way out. For now. I think I’m pretty close to being able to get past that and return to normal programming, thank Henry. Tomorrow is a community event that I’m involved in, and I’m mildly concerned about that but it’s very close to home and I know I can bolt at any given moment so I should be ok. The only pressure on there is that I have an opportunity if I stay there to grab a lifelong dream if I play my cards right… so yeah, no pressure!! And the big stress formally known as my voluntary commitment recommences again soon, and I’m feeling some spazz about that, in spite of the fact it is no longer my problem. I feel bad not helping the person who took it over from me tho. She understands my spazz issues, we’ve discussed it and she’s one of the few people who have actually seen me have one… so I think she understands. But I feel bad all the same, and know I’ll be judged by others.

On the flipside – new natural therapy for my #1 boy is THE BOMB. He is doing so much better on it than I ever could’ve hoped, it’s fixing multiple issues, it’s cheaper… where’s the catch?

TBP is progressing in leaps and bounds, in a fashion. Purchases are being made, plans are being laid, clever people are being sourced. It’s all happening. Decisions are being made and trust me, if you knew me you’d know that that is a LONG process. Keen to get back into painting but body is currently saying NO.

A list of happiness!

  • Learning again to relax
  • Opportunities
  • Chocolate
  • Remembering to smile
  • Memories with beautiful souls
  • Rain
  • Playful dogs
  • Getting a job done
  • Fun things in the mail
  • Compliments
  • Remembering how to take compliments
  • Love ❤

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