Broken Bella Donna

{April 8, 2015}  

My blog entries are tenuous things at the present… they’re all in there and they do desperately want to get out, but I basically need to sit down and type them out IMMEDIATELY or they’re gone into the wide blue yonder, never to be seen again, only to arrive in fits and starts at stupid o’clock in the morning when I can’t really do anything about it.

I think I’ve broken my smallest little buddy. Somewhere in amongst the last installment of bullshit with PP (Oh, I haven’t blogged about that… maybe I never will?) I must have been furiously whispering at my PC as I threw all of my heartfelt emotions at the keyboard. It’s something I do; I’ll often re read important messages back to myself to see what they sound like, to make sure they make sense and they say what I want them to say… but of course, I live in a shared household so it turns out I whisper them. Somewhere along the lines my smallest little friend has linked up this furious whispering with the tears that followed as soon as I went to bed (I didn’t even achieve that one night, they were pouring down my face the second my hand left the knob of my bedroom door) and now every time I whisper anything… he bounds to my side with a super concerned expression and sits earnestly next to me until I pat him, or stands on his hind legs and nudges my hand until I acknowledge him. I’ve never had such a perceptive pet before, it’s both wonderful and devastating. I love that he’s so in tune with me that he knows, but I hate that it upsets him, that I cause him such distress.

Strikes me that perhaps all the wonderful things in my life cause me such extremes in emotions, from one end to the other. And once again I am annoyed that I lost that fantastic piece I wrote once about this very topic. Damn you crappy old computer!

Dreamt about PP this morning. For the first time in the whole saga, I remember actually dreaming about him. You’d think that in amongst all the drama, the passion, the fantasies about what could be, the longing for what wouldn’t be, the potential…. that he’d have popped up somewhere before? But no. My brain doesn’t regularly access many people – in fact I can only recollect dreaming about maybe three people more than once… BDEB (who to this day still pops up regularly), the sleazy married ex and the douchebag I used to be best friends with. And even this morning he seemingly represented NOTHING. It was as if my  brain rifled through all the people I knew to find just the right person to represent just a random person, just  a face that could’ve been anyone. It’s as if my brain is saying “This is meaningless, don’t worry about it. This is of zero importance and since you don’t fucking listen we’re going to try and explain it to you in dreams. If that doesn’t work, next stop interpretive dance.” Perhaps I’ve been over everything so consciously that there’s nothing left for my subconscious to sort out?

My former voluntary commitment starts this weekend. I do not need to be there. I do not need to worry about it. But I still worry a bit.. because I feel like I should go in support of the person who took it over from me. To help them out for the first time. So I’m unsure what my plans are on that front ATM but I am still feeling a little spazzy over it. Even tho the person understands my position and said I don’t need to be there. My brain is just searching for stuff to spazz about. If it wasn’t for the fact that I am still unable to travel distances with himself in the car, I’d actually have nothing to be spazzy about ATM. Which is promising and hopefully a sign of things to come!

My Big Project is coming along in leaps and bounds… a large component has been ordered (for less than I expected, yay!) and will soon be in place (hopefully) and another tricky thing has been completed, with the next step in place just as soon as the guy is available to come back. I am finding myself again in the plan-making-business but finding this choice an easier one to make this time. I will soon be able to get back out there and start slogging away at painting again, which will be both nice and not so nice – nice to get it done, nice to see some awesome progress but not so nice on my back and potentially my spazz attacks. I’m also worried it wont look very good and it’ll turn out I’m a bit shit at it.

I am tired, and my shoulder muscles are aching again. I am so tired of having tired shoulders. It’s a spazz thing. I swear to Henry they felt great for 48 hours after PP gave them a massage… I need the fucker back in my life again for that, if nothing else.

  • easter bunny chocolate – same as regular chocolate but strangely tastier
  • snuggling under the doona with all my furry bebes
  • good books
  • completing jobs
  • clean teeth
  • slippers
  • decluttering
  • going to bed!

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