Broken Bella Donna











{April 9, 2015}  

I don’t get it. I’ve tried, Henry help me I have.

But when we both know that it’s never going to progress past what it got to – just talk, no real physical stuff, definitely never sex – where’s the harm in it? Running away and ignoring it isn’t going to change anything. It isn’t going to remove the feelings, it isn’t going to render the whole thing null and void. It isn’t going to stop you from thinking of me, it isn’t going to take back all the conversations we had. It isn’t going to change anything, but now it just leaves it room to fester in our memories and never peter out into nothing like so many do… or maybe that’s just the way I see it? Maybe it is best for you. But the fact that you can’t deal with it, that you need to run away in the name of ‘guilt’… innocent men don’t feel guilt.

Promised him I would stop messaging him so much, because he needs space to nurse his guilty feelings and I just want to chat with a friend, someone who will talk with me not at me, someone who will listen rather than just wait for a pause in the conversation so they can change the topic to what THEY want to talk about. He says he gets that. Haven’t messaged him for over a week. Not going to until I wish him a happy¬† birthday. Most of the time it’s fine, but sometimes it’s struggle street.

I have been taking steps towards the old me lately… making efforts to try and engage in things I used to enjoy. Trying to get back to the me that I used to be before I lost myself to this crazy infatuation. I think perhaps once I find that person again, maybe I’ll be in a position to introduce the Old Me to the New Me, let them meet and see how they like each other. Maybe they’ll get along and I can merge them. Hopefully. Finding myself is HARD. I don’t know how to do it and I don’t know where to start? But I really do need to find myself again – the person I have now is just… not someone I can live with a lot longer.

I’m tired.

  • next step of MBP has arrived, now just to get it to me and get stuck in
  • earning money
  • getting out of the house, spazz free (and eating!)
  • watching the boys rambunctiously playing
  • hugs
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