Broken Bella Donna











{April 23, 2015}  

So.

I’m feeling… not anger, not hatred, but some resentment towards PP these days. Perhaps I’m finally wising up to what everyone else has been saying. Finally seeing without the rose coloured glasses. Finally learning from this lesson.

He treats me terribly. I knew that always, but was willing to overlook it to a point because I valued the friendship so much. But honestly, you have to draw a line somewhere and I think I’m about ready to draw it (until next time he sucks me in to his crazy swirling atmosphere, anyway).

He expects me to just put up with him coming on hard and fast and then withdrawing. He seems to think this is behaviour that I will put up with, I suppose because I have for the last few years. He seems to think that explaining it away as him feeling guilt and having to withdraw is acceptable (it is) but then repeating this behaviour over and over again seems to also be acceptable (it is not). He knows and understands his mistakes and yet continues to make them – so do I. Can’t blame him there.

But the bit that has pissed me off? Is not this continual abuse of  my friendship. It’s not the mixed emotions he keeps throwing my way. It isn’t even how he treats me almost like a booty call and then ignores me when it doesn’t suit him.

It’s the callous and cold way he treats me when he thinks he’s explaining himself, when all he’s doing is pushing me away, trying to make me cut the cord he can’t entirely sever.

It’s the fact that last time we spoke, he essentially accused me of being the problem.

It’s the fact he relegated me back to the pack, back to everyone else who means little to him, who represents little in his life.

That he told me not to message him every time I see him online, that if I don’t perhaps he might see my name and think “Hey we haven’t spoken for awhile” and want to catch up. Like I’m a pest and a nuisance. Like I’m a chore, a blight on his day. He even ended the conversation with a comment about how the conversation we just HAD was basically the reason he doesn’t talk to me much, because they always end up so long winded and deep and it makes him tired and he doesn’t have the time. SORRY. I’m sorry that the only time you have to talk to me you want to act inappropriately when I’m trying to have grown up conversations. I’m SORRY that if the conversations aren’t inappropriate you basically don’t want to have them.

WAIT. I’M NOT FUCKING SORRY ANYMORE.

I need to concentrate on behaving in the way that I would like to be treated… I always thought that I did – I am giving, I am kind, I am gentle. I am understanding, I am honest. I wont jerk you around and I wont tell you shit that isn’t true. If I say something, you can take it to the bank. In spite of perhaps how this blog reads sometimes, I do try and do what I think is best at the time, even if sometimes hindsight proves that to have been wrong. I thought… that by doing all these things, I would encourage these things back. People would be honest and nice and kind to me. But no. Being all these things just makes you a doormat. People will see your kind nature and they will exploit it. People will step on your beaming, honest face to get a leg up and they don’t give a fuck about you in the process. And they will leave you the dregs and fuck your kind nature, cause you’ll put up with it rather than say something bad.

So I ponder how I can find that counter balance between being kind, and gentle, and nice, and honest etc and still not be a doormat. Not stand in front of people and say sure, shit all over my weetbix, I’m fine with that. Sure I’ll do all your dirty work, sure I’ll sit here and be your booty call, sure you can say nasty shit to me about things that I find important just for the fun of getting a reaction.

How can you not be a doormat when being a doormat is all you’ve ever known?

How can you reject friends when they only want to be friends on their terms, when you’ve got no one else to replace them?

How do you cut the ties with the only person you’ve ever felt truly understands you? How can you tell the one person you love to go away until they learn how to treat you better?

I always find this time of year very confronting. I always feel obliged to try and reinvent the wheel.

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