Broken Bella Donna

{October 3, 2015}   Mope.

I have the mopeys.

I know exactly why, and as usual it boils down to feeling left out. And I can’t even talk it out with anyone because the people I talk to the most are the people involved. So instead I sit on it and just feel bad. Rinse and repeat.

I’ve been discovering this year that people simply are not that straight up anymore. I keep expecting people to behave as I do, to give and take as I give and take. To actually say what they mean and be consistent about it. And that’s just not how it works. These people who tell me they think I’m great or funny, they consider me one of their best friends, that they love me (in a friend way)… most of them are… I wanted to say full of shit. But that isn’t right. I’m sure they feel that way at the time they say it, but they don’t act that way consistently. They say one thing but their behaviour says another. People who are wonderful friends until you disagree, or they’re having a bad day and everyone gets their backs up.

It seems like 2015s lesson is to learn and understand that people are multi faceted, and not always what they seem. Esp when you meet them online. The persona that some people present (self included) online can only be maintained for just so long… and once the mask slips, the question is – can you then blend the two personas together? The friendly one with the bad-day one? Can one absorb the other? Or will the friendly persona forever be tainted?

Perhaps 2016s lesson is to learn to accept everyone on all levels, not just superficially. To acknowledge that everyone has the potential to be mean, to be a bitch, to attack unprovoked, to play favourites. To use and to cast aside when inconvenient to them. To forget about you when there’s better offers. To play you off against others to further their own goals. And whilst all of these points are negative and undesirable… they are part of human nature, and I am guilty on occasion of some of them too.

Another good lesson for 2016 is to remember a very important point. That this behaviour in others is not necessarily a reflection of me. Mostly people behave in this way because it is a choice they have made, and that reflects directly and entirely upon them. Their behaviour is part of their story – it is who they are as a human. It does not reflect on me. I am in control of how I react, but I have no control over how they behave.

I do not deserve to be treated poorly. The question is – how do I choose more wisely the people I give my trust and affection to? How do I stop this cycle of choosing negative friends?

I had an interesting realisation the other day. My current issue with spazz attacks is following a nearly identical path to the original occurrence; the time when it first impacted my life so negatively. Which is heartening because it means that I can – and will – become ‘normal’ again. And based on the first cycle, it shouldn’t be far away now. I beat that shit into submission last time and I will again. And all the things I can’t possibly fathom doing now, will come easily again. Right now I look back on all I’ve done in the last 15 years and I think…. shit. I really had it together. I was a nearly fully functioning adult. And I will be again. And I’m just thankful that it took 15 years to really get bad again – on that theory I’ll be old before it does it again, ha ha!

Life otherwise pootles along. Things with PP have not greatly changed, though my opinion of him continues to degrade in tiny increments. Not because he has changed, or I have changed but because I am finally seeing what has been there all the long… how badly be treats me. I don’t feel he treats me poorly because he’s an arsehole, but because it is how he is dealing with the situation… most of the time. But it’s horrendously unfair to think it’s acceptable to try and treat me like an online booty call one day, and then spend the next week being a bit cold and then telling me how much you miss your wife. I get it. You’re married. So act like it.

(In his defense I don’t think he thinks it’s fair either. He’s just too weak to be consistent. The question I ask myself every day is… is it hard to be consistent because he’s just ‘being a man’ and thinking with his dick? Or is it hard to be consistent because there’s legit feelings and a connection there? I don’t know. And I never will know. And I can – and will – read into everything he says and does to try and identify an answer… because there are legit feelings and a connection there for me. Which makes me the weak and vulnerable party.)

(interestingly, I once again change from speaking about him as a third party to speaking directly as if he was reading. This just cements the fact that I feel like this blog is basically an open letter to him some days – sometimes literally).

MBP is still largely at a stand still; a combination of lack of time, poor weather, difficulty sourcing help, lack of motivation… the usual. I’m starting to pick up the threads again now and attempt to get the ball rolling again.

A list of positives? I think so.

  • the ongoing safety of my home, coming into bushfire season
  • the ongoing health of those around me
  • receding feelings of spazz
  • getting jobs done
  • recharging outside in nature
  • friends you can rely on
  • opportunities to succeed
  • online shopping!
  • lyrics that fit your mood perfectly
  • sleep ❤

et cetera