Broken Bella Donna











{March 4, 2016}   Just let me rest.

I have a pervading sense of doom lately, every night. I can spend my days content, or at very least ok with life but once I climb into bed… the pressing sensation arrives. It brings with it all the negative thoughts in the world, and it crushes me in my bed. Anxiety rises in my chest and throat and threatens to overwhelm the rest of my senses. Every scary thing in the world becomes very real and I’ve started to dread going to bed. I just don’t want to deal with it. I lie there and just have to bear it.

I’m hoping by writing about it, it will start to lessen the pressure. It’s often how it works for me. By acknowledging the elephant in the room, maybe it’ll fuck off.

So?

Things are plateau’d to basically nothing with PP and that is ok. We catch up occasionally and it is fine. We no longer chat online and that isn’t fine but that is how it is. I assume he has achieved a place in his head that he is more comfortable with now and that’s that. Que sera sera. I have managed to shoehorn him into a box in my head titled “Things I don’t regret but have finally acknowledged had to stop”.

Seven months later and I’m still not really ready or keen to talk about the health of a loved one. We had a very unexpected health scare – a terminal kind of health scare – and it has changed life as we know it in the household. I have my suspicions that this topic is one of the reasons I have not blogged worth a damn in so long – I use my blog to work through things in my head and (in a way) I’m still just avoiding working through this one. This is not how I thought life would pan out. It changes everything. It reminds me that as much as I want things to stay the same, as much as the idea of things changing strikes a cold icy fear into my core… it is going to. And it is going to sooner rather than later.

MBP is still an ongoing saga. Still progressing at a much slower clip than I’d like but still, it’s progress.

I have the weekend off. I need to start ticking things off my list that need doing instead of sitting around, surrounded by crap, wondering why I’m feeling strung out.

 

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