Broken Bella Donna











{April 30, 2016}   May you live in interesting times…

That is what a former friend once wrote in a Christmas card to me. I was entirely unsure at the time if that was a good or a bad thing, and I’m still not sure.

My life continues to take strange turns. Esp regarding my ‘love life’ for lack of better words. Why this is, I’m unsure… in the past I’ve bought on a lot of that complication myself by going out and seeking interest from men, mistaking their interest in me as some sort of justification, some sort of proof that I really am someone worth something. As a more mature version of myself now I understand better that this isn’t true – the number of men that find me attractive, the number of friends I get cards from on my birthday, the number of people who ‘approve’ of me… doesn’t really mean much. I no longer count likes. I try not to attention seek. Sometimes I fail and sometimes I still judge my worth on this frivolous shit but… not often nowadays.

Today I understand that the number of men that find me attractive isn’t relevant – it’s nice to know that I’m cute or whatever but it doesn’t change anything. The number of likes I get on photos is fun but I don’t post photos for others. There’s only a very small number of people in my life that I care enough about to worry about their opinion, and well… that’s fairly well documented on here, isn’t it?

So.

Have not spoken to PP since that night, not really. I thought he was on for a talk the other night, apparently had some time to himself but chose to watch a b grade movie instead of talk to me. Which indicates to me that at this point of time, our friendship is irrelevant to him – he has purged himself, he has reminded himself that I am still here and he has been sated. He has had his fill and off he goes.

And yet I put up with that shit.

In the last few weeks it has come to light that my very handsy ex, the one who has repeatedly pursued me before and all throughout his marriage has separated from his wife. Amicably. The ex that was always touching me, telling me he just ‘wanted to feel a real woman’, messaging me, telling me his wife ‘didn’t need to know’ and trying to engage me in a relationship… is now free to do it all without the shackles of a wife to hold him back. I’m wary and watching with interest – this can only do bad things to my spazz attacks. He dropped in to tell us personally, as a family as we are family friends. He was almost nervous about it, jumped out of his car and left it running so he could make a quick get away but ended up staying for a coffee and a chat. I don’t know what to make of that. Did he think he’d get quizzed, or that the reception would be bad? I don’t know.

I would like very much to have him back as a friend – we weren’t really able to maintain much of a friendship during his marriage due to his wifes dislike of me, which is understandable and I never held that against her, given how he behaved. Once she realised that it was one sided and that I didn’t encourage nor allow it, she warmed to me a bit but we’ve never exactly been friends. I quite like him as a friend, he’s a great guy. Funny, very charming, sweet and he cares for me quite a lot. But I don’t feel like he can just be friends without carrying on, in hopes of getting me back. I’m not so vain as to think that he wants me that badly – I think he just wants to get laid. And as he tries harder I’m going to act colder and he’ll end up frustrated and he’ll walk. I can foresee it happening.

The bit that has sat as strange in my head? I can’t stop thinking about him. Literally nothing has changed really, his single-ness affects nothing considering that A) I don’t want a relationship with him and B) he was hitting on me even when he WAS married… but for some reason he’s back in my head, pottering around. I keep thinking about him, remembering stuff, wondering. I assume it’s because I’m thinking about how this news may start up old stuff, may stir things up again now that he could (if he wanted to, which he probably doesn’t) have a go again… but as I said. He was carrying on whilst married. So what gives, brain? Why are  you thinking about him again?

AND THEN.

THERE IS MORE.

One more anyway.

I don’t think I’ve blogged about the third guy. He is new to this blog but not to me. I don’t even know how long I’ve known him, only that it’s been somewhere around 13 years (tho he says 15, it literally can’t be because I haven’t lived here for 15 years yet). He’s never hid the fact he fancies me a bit but it’s always been in good fun, just the odd comment here and there, stirring up my mum mostly. I’ve always had the feeling that he’d like to go there but only a shag, nothing more intense, just no strings attached action. In fact in the entire time I’ve known him we literally catch up like once or twice a year, just if we stumble across each other, and just chat for a bit and move on. The running joke has always been ‘see you next year’.

Until the last couple of years. Recently he’d started popping up under strange guises, small excuses. I was seeing a lot more of him. His behaviour had changed slightly and he was making more comments. He seemed to need to engage with people more – he’s always been a very solitary person, almost intimidated by the idea of peopling. Then he saw me in a dress and the comments. So many comments. I don’t even remember them now in spite of the fact it was only a few months ago, but suffice to say he was tickled pink at the fact he’d seen me in a dress and declared that I looked ‘gorgeous’ and that I was ‘giving him ideas’. He is very forthcoming with the compliments, always has been.

Then he ended up with my mobile number and at first it was “I think about you all the time, have done for years” in reply to me thanking him for thinking of me when he offered me something he had… And today he moved out of town and sent a very touching message to me. He said “Thank you for being a wonderful fantasy in my life for 15 years? I feel I’m in decline now and you are still so youthful and beautiful. I love your sense of humour and views. Every twist and turn in our lives sets a different course and I do wonder how things could have been?”

Like… what? How do you even reply to that? Why oh why send a message like that when you’re leaving the area? He’s about 11 years my senior and has obviously had more feelings than I gave him credit for. I replied something about it being very full on for a Friday night and that I didn’t know how to reply, but that I was sure we’d catch up again and thanked him for being a fellow square peg in a round hole. He messaged me again today to tell me he was ‘home’ in his new place and that it had been a long day.

The worst part is… had we met earlier than what we did, perhaps things could have been different? Maybe he’s right. We’re very different but very similar in ways – one of the ways we’re very similar is that we’re both rigid and inflexible. And damn weird. We both need someone to counteract the weird I think. Also, I think I miss sharing a town with him, which is strange given how erratically we caught up. But it feels odd to know that he isn’t here anymore.

Well. That sums up all the strangeness that is my head at present… not really thinking much about the man who I last gave my heart to but thinking a lot about two men who have treated me a lot nicer than he does.

I think I’m overdue a list!

  • progressing thru my studies for the year, and feeling confident about my foray into higher studies
  • the fact that at the moment, no one is doing horribly in the health department
  • the potential of developing another small but enjoyable career path
  • the ongoing success of my march to better health by making small changes
  • the good side affect of my better health march – I’ve lost a few kg and most of my cellulite (what little I had)
  • small progress on MBP – it’s still progress!

 

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