Broken Bella Donna

{December 7, 2016}   Feeling strange

I’m feeling very… off tonight. Flat. Quiet. Mildly confused and a little bit needy.

I don’t know if it’s because tomorrow is court day for the murderous arsehole who took my friends life, tho I don’t think he’s doing anything other than pleading. I don’t know if it’s because last night I watched a tv show with a guy who reminded me significantly of PP. I don’t know if it’s because PP was then in my dream this morning – and not in a saucy way.

But I just am. Too much thinking about people in the past.

I’ve spent some time in the last month or so thinking about what we leave behind. I’ve learned some things about my friend that I did not know and at first they upset me, or made me mad… but they also made me realise that we are all in the same boat. None of us really know each other – there’s not one person in the world who knows everything about you. Not one person who knows everything of your past, everything in your present, and all the things you want in your future. You’re always going to learn a lot about people after they die… because those around them become more comfortable talking about them after they’re gone. Everyone wants to hold onto the memory for a little longer, so they tell stories to keep their loved ones alive. And sometimes some of what comes out will make you question if you really knew them at all. And sometimes stuff comes out that they’ve been deliberately hiding from you, for varying reasons.

(The song that PP told me reminds me of him just came on the tv. Coinkydink?)

It made me think… if I died tomorrow what would people learn about me that would surprise them? Some would be surprised to learn of my battle with spazz attacks. Some would be surprised that I collect childrens toys, or have been studying at uni, what I do for a living. But mostly they’d be surprised about the variety and depth of the relationships I have online… specifically with PP.

That is the main thing people would be surprised by.

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