Broken Bella Donna

{May 21, 2017}   Ugh

The undulating beast in my brain is at it again, who knows what has inspired it tonight.

My life is a constant swoosh swoosh of things at present. I keep trying to reduce my responsibilities and stop filling my days with items to tick off, but as soon as I remove one I add two.

I know what I’m doing… I’m filling the space in my head which remains empty of all the things society says I SHOULD have at this point in my life. And I don’t have them. So instead I cram my life full to the brim so that I just don’t have time to think.

I am so massively over involved in yet another charity project at the present. This one I am in at a very grass roots level, and we’re doing good things. But it can be so exhausting, and so ongoing. And I’m putting my neck out to get my head chopped off again, only the person I’m working alongside takes things more personally than me, so instead of getting annoyed I find myself placating her instead…. a nice turn of events for me.

I have changed a lot, yet again, in the last year.

I am trying to get into mindfulness. Which is ironic given that I’m packing my days full at the moment. I am trying to practice just being… instead of constantly doing. I want to learn yoga, and practice mindfulness, and stop being… so me?

A major part of my life will be ending soon in all likelihood. A major part of my days, and to a lesser degree my identity will pass, and take with it a good portion of my income. On top of losing some small parts of my income, it’s about to become time I stopped wasting money and started working harder on earning it, and making sure I save it. I’m tighter than a fishes arsehole with money so that part wont be hard, but finding paid work around here is never easy.

My #1 boy is most definitely in his twilight now. It makes me sick to my stomach to think about it, so I wont.

Life is just… wash rinse repeat. I’m doing a lot of good but feel like I’m contributing nothing. In spite of this fact I don’t FEEL bad. I just feel tired.

On an interesting note I have a few people in my life at the present who want to be closer to me, as good friends, they want to involve me in things and ask my opinion and be my buddy. And I really like them but for some reason I’m putting up this massive wall. The more they want to be super chummy with me the less I want them to. It is pissing me off because I really like them… and they’re not being overly needy… but there’s just something there stopping me. I don’t know if I’m throwing up barriers because I’ve been hurt in the past by being too involved in someone who has thrown it in my face (PP anybody?) or I feel like they’re pressuring me to develop past my spazz attacks (which I need to do in my own time) or both or neither of these things.

I used to be able to be friends with people and now? I just… don’t care. There’s too much pressure. Don’t buy me presents and want to socialise and say you’ll come see me. I’m not your project. I’m not much of a person and you’ll just be let down so just let me be my weird self, enjoy me from the sidelines and don’t ask much of me.

The older I get the more I get like all those fringe dwelling people that everyone knows but very few people *know*.

And that suits me just fine.

et cetera