Broken Bella Donna

{September 19, 2017}   Its been awhile.

It most definitely has been some time since I last blogged. Having a peep, it appears like it has been a few months – seems like longer. I’m going to refrain from reading that entry until after I’ve typed this one, lest I derail my train of thought.

My life continues to be this weirdly ever evolving thing, as I suppose everyones lives are. But for some reason mine feels like it is changing rapidly at the present, more so than any other time in my life – and I’m still unsure if this is a good or bad thing? Why the sudden escalation in the necessary changes in life that bring changes and growth? Why am I suddenly ready for this? I do believe that things happen and present themselves as you become ready to deal with them, whether it feels that way at the time or not. Also, I feel like I am ready for these changes in my life, which as anyone who knows me would know is NOT exactly my default setting.

Spring has sprung. The days are getting longer, the weather warmer, and it’s time to get out in the garden again. My favourite time of year. The world is prettier, more welcoming and accepting, and everything seems more attainable at this time of year. Anything is possible! Get out and do the thing!

I’ve taken a huge step forward recently – a change has occurred that forced me to stop doing what I have always done and step out of the zone, and do something different. I didn’t like the concept at the time but the world has not ended. I have cut a thirty-something year tie and stepped out into the abyss to see what it is made of. So far, so good. As a direct result of this change I am now…

… more involved in my previous job – the only thing in my life that has come close to being a ‘career’. The only job I’ve had that I actually felt proud to tell people that I did. Due to changes in circumstance there, my former boss asked me to become involved again to help sort things out, so I’m back. This guarantees a bit more reliable income, and gives me something to feel good about – something that I can go back to, from the halcyon days where I had a better handle on my spazz attacks. It also brings with it all the things that stressed me out the first time, the things I left the job over in the first place. But we have some handy dandy resolutions in place this time, to hopefully stop the negative bits escalating this time to the point where I can’t deal with them. So fingers crossed…

I feel like I’m winding back the clock somewhat at present. Going back to an old job, and my old self (to a point). I’ve removed some of the issues that were upsetting me, and I’ve taken on some new things that make me feel good about myself, and distract me from being caught up in my own head. I’ve also been treating myself better lately, in the form of exercise and what I stick in my mouth which has actually had the fun (and unintended side effect) of reducing me back to my college weight. So another part of my life that I’ve gone back to more comforting times in.

And my involvement in the local thing I referenced before has also ramped up, and I’ve become the second  most important person involved. Which makes me feel good – I’m enjoying being able to contribute towards something bigger. I’m loving being able to use my skills I’ve learned/developed through life experience to use, and I honestly feel like I’m making a big difference. I know I am. And it feels great. And I can do nearly all of it from the comfort of my own home, and hide here behind my laptop. Which means no extra stress and no awkwardness of people complimenting me, and watching me stumble over that. I can do what I love best – help, contribute, work hard and get no attention or celebration for it. And being involved in something bigger and contributing towards projects – another way I’ve gone backwards to a comfier time.

So life is moving along ok at present, but I’m loathe to say it’s well as that always provokes some disaster or another to occur. I feel like I’m in an enormous learning section of my life, and that life lessons are a thing right  now.

I also feel like I may have finally gotten past the PP component of my life – I realise I’ve said this before, and that it may or may not be true this time… but I no longer think of him that much, check for him, feel compelled to contact him. I feel like he is now in my past. That acknowledgement wont stop me from missing him, or feeling that pang (there you go) when I think about what could have been, or when we do speak from spending a few days feeling ruined… but I know there’s another side and that I will be on it. And that I already am.

Time to feed the zoo.

Onwards and upwards.

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