Broken Bella Donna

{May 1, 2012}  

Things are still weird.

I… feel ultimately very vulnerable with this guy and his attentions. I don’t understand why but I am becoming increasingly more flustered when I talk to him, when I’m trying to explain or justify or whatever. Which I don’t usually feel any need to do. I’m very candid with him – as I think I said, very early in the piece I started explaining about my spazz attacks and that is something I don’t usually feel comfortable/the need to do – and everything seems to have hurtled towards a surreal, almost intimate relationship very quickly. I’m unsure if I’m comfortable with it, but at the same time I don’t know if I’m uncomfortable with it either.

It feels almost like he knows me, and I him. Like we’ve come from similar situations, that we share the same demons, which I’m fairly sure we don’t. But we’re both broken people and I think we both understand that perhaps there is so much more to each other than most others would – I don’t mean this in a ‘HE GETS ME!’ way, like I want to run off and have his children – I don’t, he’s married for Pete’s sake – but it is nice to have to not put up a front. It is strange and I don’t really understand my thoughts or feelings at the moment, but I do enough to say that there seems to be no threat to his marriage from either side; he’s made it clear what the situation is there and I have no desires to take it any further than what it is now. In fact I’m not entirely sure I wanted things to progress to the point they are now, but what’s done is done.

Things are strange. I feel strange.

He is still laying on the compliments, hard and fast. I am not entirely comfortable with them and explained this to him. I don’t think he’s lying but I don’t think they’re truthful either, not in real life, perhaps to him they are but… They don’t sit well with me, they feel like lies. I feel like I’m being deceptive, although I understand that unless you’re a fan of the fake tan/boobs/nails etc you CAN’T be deceptive in regards to that sort of thing, not when people see you in real life. I can’t look in the mirror and see a ‘exceptionally hot’ person. I don’t see the… what was it… ‘fine features, pretty face and great body’. I just see me and I don’t think I’m that special. In fact I know I’m not. But I feel that most people – people like me anyway – look in the mirror and see their inner demons as much as their external front. Perhaps I feel that because we’ve been so candid, because he seems to understand that I have demons, that he should also be able to see them…

It feels so damn weird, it really does. Not bad weird, maybe not good weird, just unusual. Like no one should know so much about the inner mind of another person without… without what? Without being them? Is how I feel right now how people who read this blog feel? Like they know too much, and that they wish that perhaps they didn’t, so that cloud of knowledge wasn’t there, lingering over everything? Like some strange perverse intimacy that invades everything, leaving you feeling dirty in your vulnerability?

Vulnerable keeps coming up, and that is what it is. I’ve given too much too quickly, and I have no idea if this friendship will or even can continue. And if it doesn’t, it will leave me wondering was my weirdness, and my desperate-ness that chased it off. I’m less than comfortable with my own forthrightness… and his.

And I’m still scared that I am deliberately attracting his attentions in a hope to make myself feel less alone. He says that I’m not, and based on things he says from when we first met, I am inclined to believe him but… at the same time, I’m left wondering if I’m just another sad, pathetic little girl who needs validation from married men in order to feel like I’m worth something. Nevermind the fact that at no stage did I approach any of these three men in order to ‘start’ anything; they all contacted me, came to me with their comments and their friend requests and their innuendo and their roaming hands and their text messages and their ‘can I have your number’s. But be this as it may, I’m the one waiting for them to log on, or text me, or drive past my place and pull in for a coffee. I’m the one analysing their every word, blogging it, trying to make sense of my place in this life. I’m the one living in the past, or so far in the future, but never in the now.

Or perhaps, in this situation, too much in the now.

He asked me to keep our conversations private as he may want to tell me things he’s never told anyone else before. I jokingly asked him if he was hiding me as his secret online girlfriend. He replied that he wasn’t hiding, but protecting us, if I understood what he meant, which I’m not entirely sure I do. And he let the online girlfriend comment go, but that’s almost what it feels like, a relationship made up of mental intimacy, the sex replaced with vulnerability and gut emotion. Opening your soul and laying it bare, for someone else to pick over like a crow, to satisfy their own emptiness. Or curiosity. Or perhaps just… tit for tat. Tell me your innermost thoughts and feelings so that I don’t feel like you hold all the cards. Perhaps the release and relief of just letting spill the tar and dark matter than clogs your heart and soul is worth it, if only to let it  spill onto a keyboard and into someone elses mind. Alas, leaving them ‘knowing’ you. A downside.

It’s like finding… someone equally as broken. Someone who doesn’t think you should change for the sake of fitting in. Someone who is willing to let you be you, even if that you isn’t quite right in the head. Perhaps someone who can save you from yourself – but when these two people are of opposite sex, it’s expected that they will enter into a romantic relationship – can they circle each other without this happening?

I have no great desire for an intimate sexual relationship with anyone, that is too much like letting someone in under my skin, letting them see me with all guards down. I am too broken for that. But I’m terrified that I will confuse all… this… whatever this may be, for desire.

It’s my obsessive personality coming out. I must concentrate on reigning it in.

Blogging this has helped me sort through some thoughts in my head. Trusty blog. I wish I could show him to try and explain, but I don’t want him finding out even more from this blog, and I don’t want to come across as a completely loopy nutjob. Or anymore so than I already have.

{January 14, 2012}   Midgets?

I just read the word widgets as midgets.

Feeling a little lonely and unloved at the minute. Spending too much time thinking about stuff I shouldn’t be dwelling on. People I shouldn’t be dwelling on. Reading flattering messages from men who mean nothing to me, just to remind myself that I’m still desirable.

It’s such a stupid circle. I find myself desiring attention and orchestrating chances to gain it, from men that it’s inappropriate to expect it from… non threatening men… technically… until it becomes threatening and freaks me out. The older I get, the more complicated this all seems and I thought it was meant to be the other way around?

Most of the time I don’t feel lonely and I know that by being single, I can be my own person – no one to answer to, I can flirt, spend my own money, do what I want and I KNOW that in a relationship, I’d feel smothered and irritated. And aren’t I so STRONG that I can do this and not feel like I need to be vindicated by others??? And that other 10% the time I feel miserable, like I’m washed up, on the shelf, not worth the bother.

Just feeling that 10% a bit today.

My dog is going through some health problems. Problems that are similar to a massive cancer scare we had not all that long ago. Reminds me that he isn’t infallible, and that I will lose him one day – my pets are the only things allowed under my skin. I have a feeling this current crop could well end up the last I have… for all the joy they give me, that understanding that they too will hurt me is enough to tarnish it.

I usually fancy myself glass half full in life – I like to hope for the best. But when it comes to matters of the heart I am definitely glass half empty…

I am still eating breakfast every day. Go me!

{October 31, 2011}   What do you do?

What do you do when your ex orchestrates a situation to get you alone?

What do you do when he asks – very nicely (in fact in the same tone he asked for a kiss, the first time you kissed) – “Can I please have…?” as he comes at you with his arms open, to envelop you (without permission) in a big hug, and a kiss on the cheek (which was aimed lipwards, and missed due to the reciever deliberately turning her face).

What do you do when he says “I just need to feel a real woman”, as his hands quickly slide to the cheeks of your butt, pulling you towards him and crushing you together.

What do you do after taking hold of and removing his hands from your behind, telling him no and pushing away he repeats this another TWO times, the final time holding you to himself whilst you fling your arms outwards in sacrifice, loudly stating “I’M NOT ENCOURAGING THIS!” (his answer? “I know you’re not.”)

What do you do?

What do you do when he does all this immediately before telling you the only reason he’s still with his wife is it will cost him too much to leave her? What do you do when you know that really, by not slapping him and telling him to fuck off, you really ARE encouraging this? What do you do when deep down, this encounter made you feel good?

I need to tell him to fuck off. If he isn’t prepared to do the right thing, one of us should. But deep down, I’d be lying to myself if I said I’m not enjoying having the attention of a very charming man. Even if he is a sleazy player.

et cetera