Broken Bella Donna

{July 27, 2015}   I have feels.

And my feels are a bit sad.

Caught up with PP the other night again, online. And it just isn’t the same. I’m not sure he’s changed, but I think I have.

I no longer look at him like he’s all that. We’ve had some distance between us and now I can sit back and see stuff. Stuff I don’t want to see. I liked it better before. I don’t want to look at him and see that he’s treated me badly, no matter how ‘justifiable’ the behaviour has been. I don’t want to think about him negatively. I liked my world when I had someone in it I thought was so perfectly suited to me (note: I never thought he was perfect. I just thought his flaws were little idiosyncrasies I could deal with) I liked us better as friends when there was nothing but acceptance. Now he keeps telling me I’m picking at him, when I’m not… or at least I don’t think I am? Is he speaking up now when he didn’t before? Or am I speaking up now? Am I indeed picking at him, or is he finding flaws in things that never bothered him in the past? Has one of us changed, or have both of us changed?

I don’t like it at all. This is the beginning of the end. This is how it happens… the shine is off, the gloss is gone. It makes me less likely to watch to catch up. I’m sure it’s already occurred for him because I haven’t been someone he’s wanted to catch up with for a long time. (On a side note, this also annoys me because he’s no doubt thinking the same things about me, and how not fantastic I am now and fuck him, I AM fantastic!)

Tho on the other side of the coin, the last two times we have caught up sans audience, things have degraded at times back to what it used to be – the desire for physical (non sexual) contact, the occasional inappropriate remark. So… has it gone? Or is it just better controlled? I still don’t know if this is something he needs, or just something he wants.

I did turn the conversation briefly around to a conversation we had last year that I wanted clarification on. Which I should’ve known better than to do, because of course I didn’t get it. What I did get was much of the same… treading lightly around, not answering anything directly, a casually thrown out statement of ‘maybe it was a ruse’. I don’t know if he’s intentionally keeping me strung along so that I keep hanging off his coat tails for attention, or he genuinely wants to tell me stuff but can’t/won’t put it in writing. The latter seems more accurate but if this was happening to someone else, I’d assume the former…

But every time I see him everything comes back. Every time it comes back, the feelings are all still there. But my capacity to deal with them afterwards has improved out of sight. I no longer get bogged down for a month in what ifs. It’s down to mere days now, and what if is being over run HARD with fact now. What does this all mean?

I feel like when I blog about this topic, half the time it’s the polar opposite of what I blogged last time. This is how my mind works; it leaps and cavorts from point to point, rarely agreeing with itself, always with intent to confuse.

Life here has been hard for the last few weeks. We had an Epic Health Drama Of Massive And Potentially Life Threatening Proportions within the household. The sort of drama that changes shit permanently. That makes you look forward and realise that things have to change even more in order to remain tangible. It has perhaps given me an opportunity to do something about my spazz attacks of 2015, but I need to man up and be brave enough to take the steps to fix this…

I’m tired. That feels like the story of my life ATM.

{July 19, 2015}   Protected:

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