Broken Bella Donna

{December 30, 2011}   Alice. Rabbit hole.

I… don’t know. I must only blog these days when I’m feeling insecure or weird, as it strikes me that all of my writing is along these lines and I hope like crazy that this isn’t me; this isn’t representative of who I am. But I’m kinda scared it is.

In the past I’ve written some of my most poignant stuff… what I call “eyes closed fingers flying”… that is to say, I touch type my thoughts as fast as they come out, with no heed towards grammar or punctuation unless it fits in my brain. I think this is likely the closest I will ever get to presenting my very self, my inner thoughts, me, to someone else. I think this may be my first for this blog, no doubt not my last.

Here goes. Eyes closed, fingers flying.


I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore, everything, even the simple things in life like study or friends that I always knew have left me. There is no continuancy or flow any longer and I feel disrupted – this is not going well with my spazz attacks. In saying that it’s probably healthy for me to run from them and embrace this randomness however… who can? It isn’t my nature.

And this inherent desire to be loved and appreciated,  it wont go away. And I wonder is that normal? Do normal people feel this way? Or is it just those who were never appreciated or loved in their growing up years (how very American of  me) who grasp for affection in the strangest of places? I get angry if people on forums think ill of me. I just NEED to be loved. And now I have two married men fawning around for my attentions, and I enjoy it. Meh. There is it, I said it, I enjoy it. I will not encourage them necessarily but at the same time I’m making no efforts to discourage. Again is this normal? I have no idea. Who knows what normal is these days.

When men compliment me… I get this ache in my chest, right between my breasts, deep in there – I suspect somewhere in the heart region. I have no idea what this could mean or, indeed, if that’s normal too. It isn’t a light flutter of excitement, it’s an ache. Like it’s a bad thing. Why would my brain consider being called beautiful (albeit by a married man who claims to love his wife dearly) a bad thing? Or is this a more primal thing, bypassing the brain?

An I can’t stop thinking about you. About all the silly little things. And the only positive of this is that it’s removed any space in my brain for me to think about him. But really you’re just a replacement in my head, slotting into the position of the guy who can’t get past me, and we  all know that it’s all crap and I’m just making up shit in my head to make myself feel better about life, because simply, I have naught.


WTF does all that mean, I have no idea.

{December 22, 2011}   Starting to get the vibe

Food has been purchased and will start getting prepared tomorrow…

Presents have been bought and will be wrapped tomorrow…

Card are sent…

Emails will be emailed to those I neglected/forgot tomorrow or Christmas Eve…

If it doesn’t rain the lights may even get put out this year!

I’m actually starting to feel a little Christmassy, at long last!

{December 18, 2011}   Where is it?

It’s beginning to feel a lot like… every other day of the year.

Why doesn’t it feel like Christmas this year???

I can’t bully myself into it. I’ve tried listening to the music, I’ve tried watching the crap on tv. I’ve tried wearing the santa hat and wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Yet it feels… like… blah?

It could be August. It could be February.

A lot of people have told me they feel the same way. I did get my cards sent out in reasonable time this year, and have recieved only one back so it seems like I’m the only one who did – ha ha! I put it down to – for me personally – the fact I’ve done a lot of my shopping this year online.

Perhaps when I wrap the pressies… Or do the final grocery shop…

If you listen to the right scaremongers, this is our last Christmas. So we should be celebrating it properly!

{December 3, 2011}   I <3 my smartphone

I’ve never been one for the latest and greatest,  one who desired the new bells and whistles. Honestly, I’ve only ever really required my gadgets to do what I bought them for – cameras take photos, media players play media, phones make phone calls, the end.

Recently I got an attack of the fussies and decided I wanted a phone with a touch screen, or a qwerty keyboard, or both (I’m greedy). Sadly it was a wine-taste-beer-budget scenario. I wanted the keyboard for ease of texting and the touch screen because I thought it’d make me look clever. In the end I had to choose which I wanted more, and the ego won and touch screen it was.

Well shit. Aren’t I rapt!!!

Lovin’ the smart phone. I rarely accessed the internet on my old phone (only free access of social networks) and now I’ve sorted myself out with a data package (I see why they call it bill shock…) I’m set! Suddenly my phone has become a regular little PDA and I feel like I’ve finally stepped up to the new and exciting 20teens.

This is a big step for me. Traditionally I’ve been scared of new technology because I don’t know how to use it, and I’ve had to run back to my nerdy friends for help. In light of my new Nerdy Friends Free status, any step is a big step and this was a giant leap for me-kind.

Now if only my new found abilities to use my new spanky phone was matched by phone providers coverage…

et cetera