Broken Bella Donna











{July 27, 2013}  

So may millionty billionty things bouncing around this silly little head of mine. It’s been awhile. Hasn’t it?

I bought myself a new computer. Well it’s second hand but new to me. It’s sitting around ATM biding its time, waiting for me to do something about it – but I hate that process of setting it up, organising it, spending the next three weeks trying to find all my favourites again. I hate having to organise a new virus whatsit and scabbing around trying to find Microsoft Office. Worse yet I have to set up the internet on it, to find the wireless system and jump on and that’s a pain in the rear. Hoping it finds it automatically and saves me a lot of tantrums… a girl can wish? I’ll love it when it’s organised but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I cleaned my desk off and tidied all ready for it today, so that has to count for something. At least now I can admire my desk for a day or two until I get my shit together.

Spazz attacks had a flitter around on the periphery of my life recently but seem to have retreated again. I’m fairly sure I know why, and I’m fairly sure I seem to have solved the problem, so that’s a big fat win. It was the randy ex again – same as last time. In light of the disappearance of Pervy Policeman from my life, I found a big gaping hole… it was attention-seeking shaped. I tried to fill it with inappropriate attention from my ex by putting myself in positions where I knew he would give me the positive attention that I desired… but I think I must’ve grown up, because I acknowledged that that is wrong, and I removed myself from those situations and he has settled down again, and ceased his gropey ways and leery comments.

I just miss that buzz that comes with feeling adored. I miss feeling like I’m worth something to someone. And in spite of the fact I know that being perved on and leered at is NOT necessarily positive, and it doesn’t mean that I mean anything to them… because of our history, it kinda feels like it does. But that doesn’t make it right. So I remove myself, and do without the happy buzz.

It is extra important for me to remove myself from this spazz inducing situation. This situation and the Previously-Know-As-Spazz-Inducing-Situation is in fact one and the same, and it would appear that I will be forced to do it a week longer than I anticipated again, and it will be a doozy, several times bigger, busier and therefor more stressful. Which is ok – I can handle that. I have before and I will again. I wont even have TIME to molly coddle him and his flirty ways, it’s unlikely I’ll set eyes on him all day or have time to if I did. And I know that once I’m there and I slip into routine, it will be fine and perfect and go without issue. But leading up to it, I need to know that I have him under control and that he will not pop up and cause me to spazz out. But I’m feeling pretty good atm. Planning like a warrior so that leaves me feeling like I’m in control, and an in-control me is usually a calm me 🙂

I have settled back into the grind of boring life, feeling unwanted and under appreciated. Pervy Policeman seems to be long gone, we’ve hardly spoken in well over a month, and he has made it pretty clear I am no longer required in his life. And I have surprised myself by being ok with that. I assume he has his reasons, and I assume that they are his wife and maintaining his relationship with her but I just wish he had been clearer and more honest with me. I also wish he had been more responsible, and not woken emotions and relationships with others that he was unable to maintain.

I suppose I realised that I was no longer someone he wanted in his life when he told me – a week prior to the event – that he was under going fairly major surgery. Everyone else seemed to know all about it but he never bothered to tell me there was a problem, let alone that he was going under the knife. And he still hasn’t bothered to give me anymore details so I have no idea what the surgery was for, what the outcome is expected to be, or even how he is now. He could be dead for all I know. He didn’t answer my last message asking if he was ok, yet I know he’s been online since. Nice way to treat someone who you claimed to love, who you felt you were in a relationship with. I wish I was able to cut dead wood from my life as easily as he seems to be able to. Wouldn’t that make life so easy?

In spite of how sad it makes me that we’re no longer friends, even though I valued the friendship so much – and he claimed to – I’m not feeling too angry or upset by how the cards have fallen at the moment. With distance, I’ve been able to look back and smile when I think about it instead of being so upset. I no longer hate looking at things that remind me of him and I no longer go looking for him to see if he’s online.

I’m trying to choose the happy life. I want to – and plan to – look back on our friendship and be rapt that we got to know each other, that we got to spend that time together. That he thought so highly of me that he would let me get to know him so well, and get under his skin. He made me feel amazing and I hope that I made him feel great about himself too. I learnt a lot about myself through my conversations with him, and it was a great life lesson that I don’t regret learning at all. I would do it all again in a heartbeat, if it meant I got to spend time with someone as great as him again. I still wish with every fibre of my being that it had worked out differently, in fact I have tears in my eyes right now writing this, but that’s life.

I used to be heavily into all that trippy hippy stuff… and once had my palm read…. that might make some people roll their eyes. I also had a friends psychic friend do a reading for me with numerology and star signs and stuff. Both of them were done a decade or more ago, and both have thrown up some really interesting stuff. I realise that a lot of the time, small statements can be interpreted any way you might like to read them, making out like it was ‘forecast’ but sometimes things are worded more specifically… I feel pervy policemen was in there. And they said that he would influence my life heavily, be a key player, and then he would leave my life for a  time because he had to, because he had other commitments. But that he would be back. I hope this to be true. In a way I wonder if that’s why I have come to so readily accept his absence – because I truely believe that he will be back. And I do.

I suppose that is it, for me at the moment. Acceptance, working towards handling myself emotionally, dealing with my spazz attacks. I feel like life is once again something I can deal with, and something I can achieve. I’ll never have a perfect life and some days I’ll struggle to even like it, but I feel like I can handle it again at present. Without anyone else telling me I should like myself because they do. I will continue to strive to love myself because I am worth it.

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Ooooh I am feeling so… beige right now.

Feeling blah. Blargh. Everything right now it just… to justify the means. Nothing, and I mean nothing feels like it means much right now. I feel like I’m just waddling along in life, waiting for the next day to fill with things to fill it up. I have nothing to work towards, nothing to look forward to. I get to the end of the day and it was just another day, in just another month, in just another year and I had such high hopes for this year. I did. I started it feeling on top of the world and I had much to look forward to.

I really have nothing to complain about. Not much. I have all those things you need in life to set you up to being happy, being human. Being alive. But I’m not a human being… I’m a human doing.

This all reminds me a lot of when I broke up with an ex – the last guy I ‘dated’ (as opposed to carried on a weird co dependent online relationship that translated to naught in real life) – and that was a long time ago. He opened my eyes and mind and life to so much more and made me realise I was doing nothing. So I started being something. And then it didn’t work out. And I was left picking up the pieces, with the realisation that I could have so much more in my life, but I didn’t have it. I could be so much more but I wasn’t. I wanted so much more that didn’t seem to be allowable to me. I feel the same way now, in the aftermath of… whatever that was.

Life has tapped me on the shoulder and said… Girl… you CAN. And you do. And you can ignore it and push it back and pretend it’s not there but… it is. And it’s liberating to finally understand that I can, but it sucks arse because the more jaded I get, the older I get, the less I put myself out there to find life.

So life has to find me. And it does. And then it buttfucks me and leaves without so much as a goodbye, I’ll miss you.

Grr.

With every day that passes, with every upset or let down, I turn more and more into my mother. And I really don’t want that. I want to be a happy person – I am a happy person. I really am. I am a glass half full girl, I see the positive in things and I like to think the best of people. I ask why not, instead of why? I see potential and people like me. Most of the time. But I’m shit scared of becoming that negative person who assumes that everything in life is there to knock them down, that people can’t and that things won’t work out. And I know that if I keep trying to be that great positive person, I will be, but I also know whilst I have this negative energy constantly in my ear, running me down, that it may win out. And without someone in my life to prop me up when I can’t stand on my own two feet, to tell me yes when she’s saying no, I fear it really will win.

I think it’s time to thin out my friends on facebook and delete people who I truely don’t care about, and people I don’t want knowing my business.



et cetera