Broken Bella Donna

{November 29, 2014}  

I’m tired of having all these brilliant epiphanies when I wake up, or just before falling asleep… and then whenever I can sit at a computer, it’s gone or worse yet it’s just there, on the fringes and I can remember enough to get the gist of it but never the details, never enough to actually make it so. It’s just waffling around, frustrating me.

I am in a happy space again, or at least a tolerable one where I’m content to just sit and be. I no longer check if you’re online, no longer fight the urge to talk to you. You are there, I am here, whatever. Que sera, sera. I did have this  brilliant idea about leaving you a message to make a clear and succinct point that I need to talk to you but it’s more or less gone, and frankly sitting here with the radio going isn’t helping… catchy music just forces my thoughts  a little further away from somewhere useful.

I wanted to tell you… that when you are ready to have a grown up talk, to come and find me. And we would have it. And I would for once and for all finally ask you if you feel it. And I anticipate you’ll try and buy time and ask… feel what? But you would know. And I want to know – can you feel it? Is it there? That’s all I want to know. I just want justification that this has been for something. And then you an fuck off away again and come back whenever it is safe to do so. And I would be happy knowing that it is there. But we both know you never answer a question straight so there’s zero point in doing that, because you’ll cage and hedge and never answer anything and I’ll get frustrated and then you’ll stop talking to me again for however long it takes you to get over it this time. So there’s no point. And it’s just another excuse I’m making up to touch base to try and get you to communicate so…. I’ll file that one away as not happening. Or at least not happening until I can either word shit better, or I fall and give up and contact you, reach out to you because I can’t bear to wait any longer.

In spite of all this, I really am ok with the situation at the present.. I still don’t necessarily  have that feeling of security , positiveness, that we will find each other again one day… I don’t know where that went and  am still worried it has gone for a good reason. But oh well. I learned a lot from you, and I’m not 100% sure that perhaps I haven’t learned it all? I don’t know. You said you haven’t finished yet but oh well, you would. That’s the sort of thing you’d say when you’re packing 365 days of affection and attention into 4 hours.

  • Studies done for the year. Have I already used this one? I can’t remember. Bad luck if I had, it’s worth repeating!
  • Puppies
  • Having finished my Christmas shopping a month out
  • Finally starting to get some fresh produce from the garden
  • Starting to get a little mojo back to do stuff.

{November 26, 2014}  

Anyone who watched me every  night would think I was utterly demented.

I walk out the back door with the dogs, look up at the stars in the night sky and smile. For about ten seconds. Then I either frown and swear, or smile and swear. Either way, it’s usually rather offensive.

I’m getting back to where I was. I’m unsure if this is good or bad.

{November 23, 2014}  

Somewhere in the last month there’s a happy medium to all this. Somewhere between the angst and the thrill, the stress and the joy, the fear and the pleasure, the uncertainty and the certainty… I want to keep going but I can only come up with negatives. Loathing, misery. The unbridled fucking anger. I once made this long windy post about love and hate being one and the same… I have no idea if it is here, or was on a previous blog, or perhaps never made it past my desktop computer. In which case it’s long gone now. But I feel like it still applies. Each end of a very extreme spectrum; the strong emotions.

I’m tired of things as they are. I’m tired of feeling like our relationship (in whatever form it may come) is on constant tenterhooks. I am ready to let you go, maybe for a short while, maybe for a long while. Maybe until next time we meet, in another life. This devastates me to think. But I just can’t deal with your shit right now. I told you I’ve changed a lot in the last 19 months and you agreed, and said more than I realise… I have no idea how you came to that opinion, but perhaps you are very right.

I want you in my life. I think perhaps I need you in my life – I certainly needed, past tense. I’m unsure about present or future tense. But does my wants and needs outweigh the fact that at the present moment… it doesn’t feel like it’s healthy for me.

What makes me sad is that feeling of certainty, that we would come together again.. I’m not feeling it. I don’t remember at what stage I felt it last time. I hope to feel it again.

We’ve had two very, very brief conversations since we saw each other. And both times you were quite cold. And it reminds me of when you walked. And I don’t want to go through all that again. Nay, I cannot go through all that again. So I’m not going to push this time.

Whoa. I just read back on my last entry. I know I was angry and upset and I went straight to bed after sending and had a sook. But I do not remember writing that last paragraph. That hit me right in the feels.

And I just realised I am once again blogging as if this was a personal letter to you. Sometimes it feels like this entire blog is a personal letter to you. All the feelings and thoughts of a sad little individual who is empty of life, and full of disappointment and distress. Full of feelings and emotions and needs to communicate and nothing and no one to give them to, except my furry four legged friends.

  • Studies are coming together and nearly done for the year.
  • Motivation to take the next step in My Big Project is still waning but about to be forced because, well fuck it. If I’m going to hate life I may as well have one less excuse to.
  • Christmas shopping is about done, a month early.
  • I have nothing to whinge about, my basic needs are met and I really need to STFU and stop it with the expectations.

{November 22, 2014}   Fuck.

You are such a douche. You  make me feel like so a fucking loser sometimes. And I get so ANGRY with myself because you make me feel this way.

I’m so jack of you coming on hard and fast and fucking up my life, making me think stuff and feel stuff and then you wander back off like none of it means anything to you. You tell me how much you miss me but you have no qualms in ignoring me for months on end. You rarely bother to lower yourself to talk to me and when you do you’re all Mr Fucking Casual, like my company means nothing to you.


Or do I just hope that because the alternative is just too hurtful? Maybe you genuinely don’t give a shit. Maybe you really are a user, a prick, someone who only wants my attention to make yourself feel good. Maybe I am being completely and utterly had.

You talk a lot of talk but you back it up with nothing. You leave me feeling pathetic, desperate, needy, sad.

I make so many plans in my head of things we can do, ways we can catch up, stuff that involves you actually talking to me once in awhile. And you can’t even bring yourself to answer a damn message.

You tell me you’re cold, you tell me you’re a cunt,  you tell me how you think I should hate you because of the way you behave towards me. AND YET YOU CHANGE NOTHING. And for whatever reason I sit around and cop all of this bullshit because those four hours you fling my way every goddamn never mean more to me than months and months of communication with anyone else. And you’re damn right. You are cold, you are a cunt, and I shouldn’t put up with your  bullshit, I should call you on it and hate you because you’re such a shithouse friend. And I fucking well can’t and this ANGERS me.

Why? Seriously… why? Why the fuck is the only person I’ve ever felt that strongly for… someone who cares so little about my feelings? Why the fuck am I dumped with this? Why? Fucking WHY.

Fuck you, you selfish fucking arsehole. I am SO SICK of going to bed with tears on my cheeks over you. You seriously need to start treating me a lot better or just fuck off out of my life. That sad, pathetic existence I led, the one where I was sheltered and frozen, incapable of feeling anything but misery was at least a sight lot  more consistent than this.

I just want you to communicate with me. I need to know you’re not going to run away and leave me again. That’s all I want. A little of your time. You can’t fuck around with  my feelings like this. You just can’t. I can’t bear it.

I’m terrified you’ll read this and break ties with me again. Maybe that’s what I need but it isn’t what I want. I just want… you to act like you care. I want you to back up what you say for a few hours a year with actions. You’re the only person in my life who is supposed to understand me, and care about me and you treat me the same as everyone else does and that hurts.

{November 20, 2014}  

Righto this will make for an interesting experiment. I have started this entry as a word doc on my tablet, and if it makes its way successfully to my blog it means I have not only learned how to type word docs on the tablet,  but then transfer them to the lofty heights of the cloud, and then back to my PC. (And here I am, so huzzah! Success is mine!)

I don’t know more i feel at three moment… I no longer have my comfortable feeling that all will be ok in the long run. Because I genuinely gave no idea. I had that solid feeling that we would met again and connect again,and time will tell if that is what occurred here but in then meantime I’m worried that that was my chance and that I might’ve blown it? I have to wait until the dust settles and see if I still have that positive feeling of reconnection down the track.

I have worked my way through the usual motley collection of hangover emotions… joy, neediness, sadness, anxiousness, etc etc. I have celebrated and worried and planned and been disappointed. It’s always the same shit, always forgotten by the next time.

I have made the mistake tho of downloading our entire back catalogue of messages and have been reading through from the very first onwards, remember stuff and keeping little tidbits along the way. I’m not terribly far thru yet and it has surprisingly made me feel happy. I didn’t make it up. I didn’t imagine it.

But today brings even more introspective fun for me.

Today is a weird day. The weather is pretty much the same as the first day of the first chapter. And today is the anniversary of the last chapters close. This anniversary has snuck up fast, it doesn’t feel like that long ago… and all I can dwell on is how much I have changed.

I am light years from that girl. Now that chapter has closed in my life I have been allowed (or perhaps allowed myself may be more accurate) to move on. And I have grown. I am… unrecognisable now. Not physically – physically I am much the same, maybe a few kg heavier, maybe a wrinkle or two. But the way I think, the way I carry myself… the way I communicate with others, the way I view others… I am just… more. I am learning to live again. Learning to love perhaps, myself and/or others.

I desperately need to communicate. I have a plethora of thoughts in my head, crap rattling around that can’t find its way into sensible structures, things I can’t get out in coherent thoughts. It must be how a two year old feels. I want to point and things and shout single words until people realise what I mean. I want to talk in my sleep and see what comes out. I want desperately to close my eyes and let words fall until something makes sense. I want… to talk to someone who understands everything without me having to say it, and can help tease it out. But he wont bloody well log on!

Que sera sera.

  • learning more about my tablet and feeling like a clever grown up
  • rain on the roof
  • coffee
  • waiting on parcels in the mail
  • solid nights sleep!

{November 15, 2014}  

I want to blog. I have so much in my head that needs to come out, that wants to come out. And I know if I can just find that loose thread and give it  a tweak… all of it will unravel and I’ll get all the thoughts out in a giant word-vomit… and I’ll feel so much better. But I just… can’t… get… started.

{November 13, 2014}  

I was cleaning a large mirror today, swiping away with my cloth and I caught my own eye. The twinkle is back. The sense of self worth, the interest, the engagement in life. I like it. I like the sparkle. It makes me look interesting, cheeky, a little naughty. I look like someone I’d be keen to get to know.

{November 12, 2014}  

Whyyyyyy do I dooooooo this every time?


Seeking attention.

Assuming the worst.

These passages of dead space… leave needy, emotionally negative people too long to breed bullshit ideas in their heads. A bullshit cycle that is going to result in the same end result as last time, and the same necessity to walk away. Uhh.

I’m just going to sit here and assume he’s bolted again for another week or so, until I come to terms with it and get over it, and that’s why he’ll pop up at a random time and it’ll be like nothing changed. Because that’s how we roll. And I hate it.

When am I ever going to learn? When am I going to grow up? In most other aspects of life I’m sensible and I have my shit together, I promise.  You wouldn’t guess it tho.

I need… to bash out a good solid blog entry, to line up my ducks and get my shit together. But it wont be tonight because I’m buggered, and busy, and the dog wont shut up and I just want to go to bed, throw in my ear plugs and make up scenarios in my head where I’m just not this pathetic needy person.

{November 10, 2014}   Protected:

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{November 5, 2014}  

I have had no end of things happen, or thoughts flutter through my head that have caused me to think… I’ll blog about that. But they’re either forgotten now, or deemed past the point of talking out. So here I am, with time (finally) to type and nothing constructive to say, no dire need to let the jumbled collection of letters form into coherent thoughts and leap from my occasionally poetic fingertips.

Spazz inducing day not only wasn’t spazz inducing but it REALLY wasn’t. Totally and utterly laid back and spazz free, not even a twinkle. In fact life has been spazz free,but whether this is lack of spazz inducing situations or good control, don’t know. Don’t care. Life is quiet.

Actually that’s one reason I’m keen on the jogging. I feel a lot of my spazz problems are due to the way I breath – I breath shallowly and incorrectly and when I attempt the breathing exercises that everyone else benefits from, I hyperventilate and get worse. I’m hopeful regular exercise will improve my cardio AND lungs and with any luck… reduce spazz.

Speaking of which, jogging is still coming along reasonably well, my cardio is improving and I’m able to extend it a little further each week so now my walk/jog is 75% walk, 25% jog. That doesn’t sound a lot but I did nearly 2km today (all together) so any progress is great progress! I also tweaked my ankle, which is not so good. Hoping this goes away with rest and doesn’t prevent me from doing anything further. I am looking to invest in some new gear as the stuff I have is well crapped out and hopefully the extra support will sort any issues out!

In 15 days it’ll be 5 years. I am gobsmacked how fast that has gone.

I want to blog about surprise penises and projecting reality, but that involves brains that I can’t be bothered braining today.

  • Not spazzing
  • Learning not to give a shit
  • Completing jobs
  • Knitting
  • Coffee
  • New clothes of the nylon kind
  • Lovely strangers who want to help
  • Being resilient enough to keep getting back up on the horse
  • Finding happiness in the small things.

et cetera