Broken Bella Donna











{September 26, 2014}   Protected: Congratulate me.

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{September 21, 2014}  

Ohhh.

Feeling so meh. Hormones no doubt, but meh.

Started a love bomb online. A page I frequent is full of women who criticize themselves, constantly. A combination of body issues and attention seeking. I encouraged them all to start a book, a wee notebook that they like the look of, or that they decorate themselves… something that represents them. And then to write down all the things that people say to them, compliments and things that make them smile, within its covers. Read it when you’re down, I said. I have one myself, I said. It hasn’t got a lot in it but what it has in it is sincere and made me feel good.

Then I encouraged everyone to private message those on the site that they admired – people they thought were awesome. funny, people they wanted to know they were appreciated. I got the ball rolling and sent out a few messages. One replied a nice message back. I went to bed. I honestly felt like this was a great thing, it encouraged everyone to show how much they appreciated each other and allowed people to learn what it was about them that was great!

I get up to nothing. I know people are doing it because others I have spoken to have told me they’ve received lots of lovely messages. Including one person I sent one to, who told me she sent a bunch out. She never sent one to me. That hurt. I did get another one today from a friend, but I dunno. I’m pissed off with myself because I started this for positive reasons and have ended up yet again feeling sorry for myself. I’ve created a beautiful thing to make other people happy, and help cement their friendships and boost their confidence but in the process I’ve shattered my own. I swore up and down, black and blue last night that I wouldn’t do this… I wouldn’t turn it into a popularity contest, or an attention seeking thing but here I am. Disappointed and sad that once again I’ve been overlooked. I’ve made something that makes other people happy, and I’ve lost something in the process – this seems to be the story of my life.

Wow! This is an awesome thing you did! I’m going to tell everyone why I appreciate and like them – except you. You can miss out. Great idea tho!

Grr.

I bring this on myself. I just need to STFU and stop seeking attention from random people whose opinion doesn’t really mean that much. Problem is, I don’t get any positive reinforcement from those whose opinion really should mean something? So at the end of the day, my own opinion is the only one that really counts. Sadly that isn’t great right now. I’ll get over it.

WAAAAAAAAAAAH.

Can’t even bring myself to make a positive list. I’ll aim higher next time. Life isn’t all that bad, I’m just being me.



{September 3, 2014}   A well deserved break.

Plugging away at my studies today, catching up. That’s going better than expected so I thought why not pop in here with no special reason other than it’d be nice to type something I WANT to say, instead of wordy crap.

Problem is I have nothing to say?

Spazz inducing commitments are OVER. For EVER. Ok maybe that’s not entirely accurate – but I am no longer responsible for them, which means that any influence I have over the whole thing is optional and if I’m feeling bad, I’m not obliged. It’s no longer my problem. Coincidentally enough (not – now there’s a flashback to the 90s), my shoulder and neck pain have gone and lo and behold so has the ongoing pain in my back that was so bad it actually prevented me from being able to sleep on my right side. I am relaxed and happy without that hanging over my head. Now I can move on and do some other things that are also hanging over my head, and remove them too. Perhaps sometime in the next few months I’ll be free of spazz inducing drama?

So I sit here chewing on mentos, thinking about my health and how I realllllly¬† need to do something about that. I tried exercise, but that crapped out my knee and back, both of which are still bothering me months later. I get out of bed with the intention every day that TODAY is going to be a GREAT day, I’m going to clean eat and not snack and drink water and and and… and I ate half a bag of twisties at lunch and now I’m eating mentos.Sighs. I am still maintaining the only dietary change I have attempted to make from November last year – reducing the amount of carbonated drinks I consume – which is a start, but I really need to make the next one. It’s a matter of deciding what and then sticking to it. A few changes I’ve considered are removing anything from my diet which has sugar in the first three ingredients (but upon reading this is nearly EVERY friggen thing), or going raw til 4, which (for me) would be unprocessed and home made food and drink until 4pm. But I fear that one would leave me pigging out after 4pm on rubbish, which will ruin my appetite for dinner and also leave me sugar loading before bed. I’m also reluctant to do anything which removes something… as those are the changes that never work. You never stick to something which punishes you with permanent removal of something you like. Hence my reduction of carbonated drinks, not removal of.

I need to work out cheap and healthy snacks. And get back into smoothies again. Esp now the weather is getting nicer and the garden will soon be producing all it’s lovely bountiful produce (I hope).

There’s a thing. I am anticipating that late next year, I’ll have finished my current studies and I’ll be opting to go off of the financial assistance that I’m currently on, and I will not be going onto the next tier. Which means as of late next year I’m going to be lacking in the dollar department, quite badly. Unless something changes drastically between now and then, anyway. So with this in mind, I’m starting to make some changes to how I view money etc, and try to start incorporating some penny pinching into my life – to get used to living on less, and also to start saving now so I have a little to fall back on. I’m going to try a lot harder to grow my own fresh produce this year, and to cook with it/preserve it to save grocery money. I live in a house that is VERY wasteful with food, and this is another problem I’m trying to arrest – whilst I may not be responsible for a lot of the purchasing, I am responsible for most of the cooking so I have the opportunity to start using up these random things that pop up in the fridge.

I keep swearing I’m going to start my own recipe book that categorizes things differently – instead of ‘mains’, ‘desserts’ or whatever, mine will be ‘zucchinis’ and ‘eggs’ and other sections for things that grow an inordinate amount of, and dump you with a hell of a lot all at once! I’ve become a pro at zucchini cake, zucchini slice and zucchini pickles but… I do love the idea of living seasonally, but it’s hard when you live in a cooler state that doesn’t grow stuff all year around. And you have limited freezer space.

I do get excited at this time of year, thinking about using all that lovely fresh produce from the garden.



et cetera