Broken Bella Donna

{December 31, 2016}   New Years Eve

I normally haaaate new years. With a firey passion. It usually flares up my spazz attacks because I feel an enormous loss of control at this time of year – today is literally a marking point in the year that says YOU CANNOT AVOID THIS. LIFE IS MOVING FORWARD AND YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THAT.

I also hate how it forces reflection over the year that has passed and really shoves into my face all the things that have not changed, all the things that never happened, and how much my life is in the same crappy rut that it started the year in.

For some reason this year I don’t feel that negativity. I don’t feel like I’ve got nothing to show for it, that my life has plateaued (god that’s a complicated word to spell) and that everything is in a free fall towards disastrous hell and there’s naught I can do about it.

And I have no idea why?

I’m trying not to think about it too much, lest I realise there’s no reason and provoke myself into feeling shitty. But honestly, today is just another day and tomorrow will be too.

So my 2016? Well I’ve managed to end it with both of the older, health-clouded ones in my life still here and both doing ok in spite of things. So that’s a big plus. My own health is good, and I feel like I’m really starting to extend myself now out of my comfort zone and taking small (but increasingly larger) steps away from spazz city and back into society.

I’ve been steadily forcing myself into broadening my horizons this year and wrestling some control back from… the control. I’ve been trying to make myself less fussy, less of a perfectionist. I’ve been learning the beauty in mistakes (but not flat out failure yet) and deliberately attempting things that I don’t already know to make myself both learn something new AND risk not doing well. This has primarily been in my studies, taking courses that I know I’ll find hard, that I know is a risk of failure. And it has really opened my eyes to new things and I’ve enjoyed it a lot. It’s definitely something I’m going to continue to do into 2017 and I honestly feel like that’s been a big part of my mental improvement.

I also realised this year that PP is gone from my life. I know I’ve said that before and struggled afterwards with the concept but this year… I don’t know. The last convo (which was what, eight months ago? I don’t even remember which says a lot. A quick scan backwards of this blog tells me yes, eight months ago) seemed more final and his behaviour and treatment of me in the lapse between now and then has just pissed me off for the final time. Honestly, I finally feel like I’ve moved on. Now I bitterly miss what we HAD not who he IS.

I had another crack at improving my health with exercise in 2016 and it’s been a bit of a fizzer. But I learned some new things and will use them next time – never quit. I’ll get there and be a fit person eventually but not today, ha ha!

Sadly no progress (almost literally) with MBP which seems to have somewhat massively gone on the back burner.

I’m not one for new years resolutions… but this year I have made one. I will use my diary. I used to be enormously anal about writing down dates and reminders for EVERYTHING and I was the most organised person in the southern hemisphere. As of tomorrow I am going to be that person again – I want to feel like I am on top of my life a bit more, instead of forgetting things, chasing my tail and being unsure. I don’t want sneaky due dates and birthdays creeping up on me, so I’m forced to try and catch up in double time. I want to have more free time and less shit-crap-ohmygod-gotta-do-that-yesterday moments.

Time for my thankful list.

  • ongoing health of those around me and myself
  • a mild summer preventing bigger issues
  • a comfortable financial position
  • successfully getting through the holiday season without any spazz attacks or even the hint of one!
  • wrestling back control of my emotions
  • learning new skills and unearthing myself again
  • baking
  • fresh produce from the garden
  • becoming comfortable in my own skin
  • friends who build you up, not break you down
  • breathing.

{December 7, 2016}   Feeling strange

I’m feeling very… off tonight. Flat. Quiet. Mildly confused and a little bit needy.

I don’t know if it’s because tomorrow is court day for the murderous arsehole who took my friends life, tho I don’t think he’s doing anything other than pleading. I don’t know if it’s because last night I watched a tv show with a guy who reminded me significantly of PP. I don’t know if it’s because PP was then in my dream this morning – and not in a saucy way.

But I just am. Too much thinking about people in the past.

I’ve spent some time in the last month or so thinking about what we leave behind. I’ve learned some things about my friend that I did not know and at first they upset me, or made me mad… but they also made me realise that we are all in the same boat. None of us really know each other – there’s not one person in the world who knows everything about you. Not one person who knows everything of your past, everything in your present, and all the things you want in your future. You’re always going to learn a lot about people after they die… because those around them become more comfortable talking about them after they’re gone. Everyone wants to hold onto the memory for a little longer, so they tell stories to keep their loved ones alive. And sometimes some of what comes out will make you question if you really knew them at all. And sometimes stuff comes out that they’ve been deliberately hiding from you, for varying reasons.

(The song that PP told me reminds me of him just came on the tv. Coinkydink?)

It made me think… if I died tomorrow what would people learn about me that would surprise them? Some would be surprised to learn of my battle with spazz attacks. Some would be surprised that I collect childrens toys, or have been studying at uni, what I do for a living. But mostly they’d be surprised about the variety and depth of the relationships I have online… specifically with PP.

That is the main thing people would be surprised by.

et cetera