Broken Bella Donna

{January 2, 2012}   The year anew

I was once asked by someone I used to be friends with if I had made a new years ‘revolution’. I thought that wasn’t entirely inappropriate – as every new years we all do an about-face and swear we’re going to change, and by the end of the year we’re all the same, ready to revolve again come January 1st.

Courtesty of…

(n.) resolution
a formal expression of opinion or intention made, usu. after voting, by a formal organization, a legislature, or other group and/or the act of resolving or determining upon a course of action, method, procedure, etc.


I again this year was asked by another friend (hello) if I had made a new years resolution… I said no, that I don’t do that, that I feel my self-improvement is an ongoing job and that I don’t need to start a new year to continue it. Or something pious, to that effect.

Upon checking the definition of resolution… I stick to this opinion. Instead of a new years resolution, I set myself goals that I hope to achieve, and I’ll be happy if I at least make some effort, even if they become unattainable.  I do not resolve to do something, I aim to. Sometimes my goals have tangible end results, sometimes they don’t – the fact is I often can’t measure the success. Is this the same thing? In my head it isn’t, however I suspect that comes down to interpretation. To me, resolutions are promises, whereas my desires are simply hopes…

Why set yourself up for failure?

So my goals for 2012?

  • To implement better eating  habits – breakfast is my key goal at the moment. I’ve never been a breakfast person and I’m hoping that by incorporating it into my diet – if not every day at least regularly – I might feel better. I’m also aiming for more fibre, less carbonated drinks and opting for wholemeal or multigrain over white. Have had some niggling health issues lately and I’m hoping these changes might sort them out.
  • To implement better exercise habits – this one is due for failure because I swear it all the time and it never happens. This goal is for nothing other than vanitys sake; I hold little interest in how exercise can help my health, I just care about shedding a few kg.
  • To finish my building project – now that one CAN be a resolution! As I bloody well CAN measure it and I’ll be filthy if I haven’t achieved it. This is a project that should’ve been completed by now, and quite frankly it’s affecting my happiness and potentially life quality at this stage so I’m dead keen to do this. If I can achieve this one, it may well make implementing better exercise habits easier too. Triple word score.
  • To cut back on life’s little stresses and  relax. Anyone who has read this blog in its entirety knows I have a problem with spazz attacks and stress. I am in the process of palming off some of my commitments so that I can try to reign in the stress.
  • Learn to be happy again. By cutting back on my stress and participating in things I enjoy. And again, getting this building project completed will remove me from a certain amount of the negativity in my life. (I feel like I’m hanging a lot on this project…)
  • To cut back on a lot of the clutter in my life. I know this has come up in previous posts. I just have too much junkity junk. I’m taking a multi pronged attack to this goal – I’m hoping to sell some, box up some of it to opportunity shops, give some of it away and to simply use up some of it – people give me gift packs of scented products and I end up hoarding them because they smell too nice to use. Well. I’m gonna use them this year!
  • And most importantly? I just want to do the right thing FOR MYSELF, every opportunity I can. Instead of doing the right thing for everyone else.

Fingers crossed that 2012 works out successfully, and that I can look back on it come December 31st, and be happy with my life.

Assuming we’re all still alive. Aren’t they threatening some end of the world crap for December 22nd or something???

{October 4, 2011}   Changes, changing.

I keep leaving blogging until I’ve forgotten all the good stuff I was going to blog about, and end up prattling on one paragraph per stupid thought.

I used to be friends with a guy. We spoke most nights, there was no romantic interest on my behalf (I hasten to add) but now… we catch up rarely and he just shits me to tears. He’s so self obsessed. He just wanks on about himself and expects me to remember every mundane aspect of his life… and never bothers to stop to take a breath long enough to ask how I am until I’ve long-lost interest in the conversation. Giving a shit is a two-way street. And the worst part is I suspect he’s always been like this, but I never noticed or was more prepared to tolerate it, simply because I had no other friends. Incidently, there’s no point to this paragraph, I’m just sick of it.

I used to be friends with another guy, who also happens to be an ex. The friendship was never the same after the ‘ex’ prefix entered the description, and now I’m older and allegedly wiser I see that this is more often than not a given, and that when men say “We can go back to being friends if it doesn’t work out”, they’re lying. (So are women if they say it, probably, but I’ve never had one say it to me.)

After over a year of non communication due to a fallout, I touched base again via a social media page… and surprised myself. I didn’t really give a shit. In polar opposite to what I usually do, I didn’t get over excited to see the message icon, and I actually kept forgetting I was waiting to see if he’d reply. (He did.) And I’ve been wondering ever since… what does that mean? Is it final proof that I didn’t love him? (I don’t think I really needed proof.) Have I grown up and matured? (Grown up yes, matured is arguable.) Am I reading something into nothing? (Probably.) Is what he did really that unforgivable? (Yes.) It’s so unlike me to walk away from a friendship like this, it leaves me wondering why.

Second (and third, and forth, and…) guessing is my ‘thing’.

Life is ok at the moment… I’m trying to make changes. I’m trying to incorporate a more spiritual, peaceful thread into my life… I have no idea if this is working. I feel that perhaps peaceful wont really mix with my spazz attacks, and they’ll be battling each other, leaving me feeling more concerned. It’ll be some demented good vs evil battle, with my mind being the battleground.

I’m also trying to declutter my life, and get rid of some of the crap. I will have plenty of room when I move for all my stuff, and yet I don’t want to take most of it with me. I feel almost like subconsciously I’m trying to get rid of the old, I don’t really want things crossing over between the now, and the future. I’ve done this once before, but not to this degree. I sure do have a lot of shit to get rid of though. No doubt the local opportunity shops will benefit. One mans trash is another mans treasure!

One thing I do need to ‘get rid of’ but don’t want to is one of  my pets. Elderly and failing in health, the time is gradually coming upon us to say our final goodbyes. Not that I will. I don’t do that. I’ll just pretend like nothing is happening and let someone else bury her like I always do. (Healthy? Nu.) I’ve had some time to get used to the idea, and had a good cry the other night to release all the pent-up emotions and now… now the other person in the house who has been talking up how ill she is suddenly now wants me to take her to the vet ‘incase it’s something we can fix and she has years left in her’. WTF? It’s taken me AGES to get into a mental headspace to do this… and now you’re trying to talk me out of it? Emotions are fragile things. Esp. when it comes to terminating 17 year old pets. Gnah.

I feel…

  • Like I have no friends, and this doesn’t really concern me any longer.
  • I am starting to get back on top of the spazz attacks, but only because the triggers have been removed.
  • That I have a lot of work to do to catch up on my 2011 committments.
  • I want to lose weight but want dessert more!
  • Like I’m not aging well, physically, and part of this is a relief.
  • Like the cards are starting to fall my way again.

{September 17, 2011}   Happy space.

(This is frustrating and sad. I used to love blogging – why is it such a chore now? Where is my motivation?)

Feeling happier lately, some jobs that were hanging over my head are being completed, which makes me relax. I hate having things hanging around being undone, I can’t relax.  Every time I pick up one of my craft pieces all I can think is “You really shouldn’t be doing this. You should be doing*whatever needs doing*”. So then I’m not doing what I need to do, but I can’t relax either.

Life seems like such a trial these last 18  months or so. I am really super keen to get back to being happy. It feels like I’ve taken on too much, and that I won’t be able to relax until I chop some of the excess out.

I’m also downsizing my crap ATM. I need to get rid of some ‘stuff’, I’m surrounded by piles and piles of it and funnily enough, that always causes me angst too. Believers in yin and yang and fung shui and chi etc may feel like that angst is justified.

I just want to simplify life. I want to get rid of ‘stuff’, I want to stop eating processed food, I want to live off of tank water and home-grown and make my own stuff. I want to minimise my reliance on others. My whole family, we’ve always lived as much this way as we can but there’s a lot of changes that could be made to make it better, more simple. I want to try these.

I’ve been hearing a lot about buddhism lately and I’m liking what I hear. I’ve always considered myself to be an atheist (bad religious experiences growing up) but recently I’ve realised that I am, in fact, agnostic. I’m not sure if I believe in organised religion but I do believe that it’s important for people to have something they believe in – if for no other reason than it gives you a set of guidelines to live by, and I think we all need that, lest we end up in anarchy. But as far as organised religion goes, I like buddhism. I’m considering looking into it further. But do I really want to tell people I now consider myself religious, after having spent so long hanging shit on it as a concept?

I’m growing up.

I am also – whether this be related or not to the above paragraph – considering meditation. I’m told it’s extremely good for those of us who suffer spazz attacks, but I find it easy in theory but VERY hard in practice. My brain wont shut off. I can’t stop my mind from wandering. I think I’ve only successfully stopped it three times since I started trying, and the first time I fell asleep. I have to focus in on something and concentrate just on that – for me, it’s bird song. I rest outside in the sun, and focus on the varying bird calls and find myself… feeling like I’m actually separating from my body, like if I open my eyes I will see myself sitting there. It is strange but exhilarating and I feel like I’m becoming addicted to it, which is not good. Trying to hard to reach that creates the inability to do so. Is out-of-body feelings part of meditation? I have no idea..

et cetera