Broken Bella Donna

I had an epiphany yesterday, one i wanted to get down on paper (so to speak). I’m meant to be doing homework right now – I have my homework mojo and hell, I take that where I can – but I wanted to get this down before I forgot it. I may come back and put it into words better, pretty it up, I may  not. Who knows!

But first I must consult my friend Ms Google to find out the effect vs affect argument. I always forget that one. Yep. No help.

So it dawned on me that happiness is a cause and effect scenario… if you are happy, truely happy about a big thing in life, chances are good your happiness has made someone else unhappy.

I’m not talking happy about the weather, or the laughter of children, your first coffee of the morning etc etc. I’m talking the game breakers.

If you’re rapt because you’re in love with your partner and you’re married or whatever, good for you. But someone else is devastated because they were in love with you or your partner and they’ll never have what you have now. If you’re rapt because you snagged your dream job, that’s awesome, but chances are excellent you’re not the only one who applied for it and someone else missed out, and they didn’t get their dream job. Maybe you won a cruise of a lifetime – shitloads of other people applied too, and they lost. Every time you win, or snag a bargain or get what you want, there’s someone behind you with a sad face that you don’t see for your happiness. That person has to be resilient enough to brush themselves off and try again, and keep trying until they get to BE you. And you’ve been that person too, far more times than you care to remember. Every time you’ve been in the right place at the right time there’s thousands who haven’t been. But the second you become the person who won, you forget all the times you were the person who lost.

I suppose that is for the best. If you stood and thought long and hard about all the people whose happiness you displaced by being happy, it would really kill your buzz. Or at least it would mine.

In saying all this – I can’t complain. Perhaps I haven’t gotten the stereotypical things, I haven’t hit the benchmarks set by society. I haven’t achieved all the things Hollywood tells me I’m supposed to want and I haven’t met my Disney Princess Prince. But I’ve done an immense number of things many others never get to experience and I’ve contributed far more towards my local area than most. I’ve changed the lives of some and made the life better for a small few. I am not hungry or cold, and I have the understanding and knowledge to make a difference, in my life and others. I have my physical health and I am lucky enough to live in a country where I can access what I need to stay this way.

But I come back to – I’ve never got the job. I’ve never got the man. I’ve never won the prize. But I have won the lottery of life and that counts for so much more.

{June 28, 2014}  

It’s a Saturday night, it’s raining, I’m home in my slippers whilst dinner cooks and I thought… blog? Why not?

My life continues to be an evolving roundabout that carries everything and nothing all at once. I still can’t get off of it, but it’s not bothering me as much as it has been recently.

It’s been a month! Quite a busy month too.

My Big Project is taking lovely positive steps. A lot of swings and roundabouts on that front – took some silly steps trying to cut corners that have cost me more in the long run. Live and learn. Damage done was not permanent and that’s the important thing! Now I’m having the current step done properly – and professionally – it doesn’t involve me doing anything anymore, which is good – as I suspect this may have been a contributing factor towards my spazz attacks. Am planning the next few steps after this current one, as this current one SHOULD be finished within the month. I know I said that back in April but that was before I discovered that the guy helping was A) crap and B) lazy.

Speaking of spazz attacks… things have started to smooth over on that front. As I wasn’t entirely sure what caused them to flare up with in the first place, I’m also unsure why they have settled but WHO CARES! They are and that’s the important thing. This flare up was the worst I’ve had since they first started back in my mid teens. Becoming borderline agoraphobic was frightening, and something that could so easily occur. It is a stark reminder that at any moment I am one incident from becoming quite afraid of everything. Sadly the prescribed pill wasn’t everything I had hoped for – it took the edge off without solving the problem and I discovered that by damping down the spazz before I left the house, once the pill started to wear off it flared briefly again during the spazz inducing event which isn’t ideal at all. Good news is I managed to get to the SIE without requiring any help last weekend, so yay. Things are on the up and up. I have fought the good fight at seem to be winning again – I am stronger than this stupid mental illness. And I have learned that I am strong enough to go to the doctor, and now the process has been started with the first visit, it might be easier to be taken seriously next time if I should have to try again. Also I have managed to find a replacement for myself for the Spazz Inducing Commitment! So as of August this year I will never have to do it again. My involvement will be entirely optional.

Studies aren’t going smoothly but are at least going. Work is much the same. Nothing is ideal but at least they are options, and I am happy to have them. My teacher is flat out awful and it’s looking like the sibling is going to dump the first job they nicked off of me on me now they don’t have time for it due to the second one. This annoys  me but at least is some ongoing paid work that’s close to home so I shouldn’t complain. On the flip side I was offered some handy seasonal work I wasn’t expecting which will dump quite a nice sum into my My Big Project funds so yay. Not all is negative!

On that note… I’m trying hard to ‘forgive’ both sibling and the mothership. It’s hard because I don’t want them to think what they did was ok. But by holding onto this negativity, I am mostly  just hurting myself. A very grown up realisation to have. And I want to be happy and healthy within myself… I am trying very hard to be a better version of myself. More compassionate, more postive. Happier, healthier, calmer. More natural and less contrived. Mostly I want to be true to myself. All of this is much harder to do than it sounds.

As usual (as part of my ongoing improvement of me) I am once again fiddling with things. This month I have managed to start a basic exercise routine and more or less stick to it. Not sure it’s made any huge difference so far BUT I managed to retrain my brain that any elevated heart rate is NOT necessarily a spazz attack, and I think that could’ve contributed towards the improvement of my mental health, so score. That is a win. I need to find a new exercise routine to mix it up tho, as the daily grind is actually causing discomfort and injuries.  I’ve realised that lactase may be the cause behind my fat belly – I think I’m bloating as I stopped eating properly during high spazz times, and nearly had my flat tum back, but I never dropped any weight? So I am trying very hard to dodge all dairy for awhile to see if that is the case. If it doesn’t go away again, I’ll try cutting gluten and see if that helps. I feel like a broken record saying this but once My Big Project has been completed and I’m out on my own… I’m hoping to make massive changes to my diet. I feel like this will be easier without having a fridge full of temptation, and when I can cook for myself and freeze me-sized portions instead of having to pick and choose my way through what everyone else wants, likes, dislikes etc. I’m gonna eat a lot of soup. I love me some soup.

I am surrounded by a thousand and one jobs and responsibilities, and I really do feel like I’m treading water at the moment, trying to get everything done. I keep forgetting that I’ve forgotten stuff and it’s making me feel unreliable and lazy. In saying all that, life is OK at present. I loathe to say good because traditionally that bites me in the arse. But things can always be worse.

  • listening to the rain
  • cooking a tasty meal
  • feeling the stretch of muscles when you’re working out
  • treating yourself
  • snuggling under the doona
  • a fresh bottle of coke
  • helping people and being thanked

et cetera