Broken Bella Donna

{September 13, 2015}  

I cannot tell if you don’t care or you want me to think you don’t. I can’t tell if everything you felt is still relevant or it’s all in the past. I can’t tell tell anything.

I can tell that it hurts when you speak to me like that, like everything is nothing. Like I’m less interesting to you than most, like you never bared your soul. Like you never let me see the soft underside, like you never told me you had feelings for me. Big feelings.

Every time you’re like this, you “can’t remember” conversations we had. Like it was so unimportant that you don’t care. But when you come crawling to me at 1am, you remember everything. Every time you’re like this you have to bring her up at the drop of a hat like you’re trying to remind me she’s there, and yet when you’re there in the witching hour you pretend she doesn’t exist whilst you’re trying it on with me.

God help me. I need to just… aaaargh.

Nothing changes.

I need to take away the power that you have, the power to ruin my week, to crush my soul.

You’re not allowed to only want to love me on your terms and expect me to turn off everything for you when it isn’t convenient. You’re not allowed to dictate how I feel.

I’m tired of everything being what you want. I’m too weak to change it.

I’ve been in a really low spot for years now. You caused it. How do I get out of it?


et cetera