Broken Bella Donna

{July 24, 2014}  

I should be in bed. I have a redonkulous number of things I need to do tomorrow, and the day after, etc etc etc. I have not much motivation. I need to find some.

Having a blog run over several years + a tendency to rehash old shit means that I’ve made a very interesting observation. The mothership turns into an uber bitch towards me at roughly the same time every year. To the point where we’re constantly at each others throats and I’m left reminded (daily) how much she doesn’t actually like me. I’ve got to wondering why this could be… have come up with a few things.
A) the weather? Cold, wet and short days = less daylight hours to do things that need doing outside.
B) the ordinary relationships within the house? The old man also gets grumpy in the wet weather and he will take it out on her, and whether she admits it or not she DEFINITELY turns on me when he’s being a dick to her. Shit rolls down hill around here.
C) my voluntary commitments are generally around 2/3 thru by the time she starts up. She doesn’t like them because they interfere too much in HER life. Never mind the fact they have nothing to do with her… I wouldn’t even have considered that until yesterday when we had an argument pertaining to just that very topic.

Who knows if it is one of these things, all of these things or none of these things? All I know is it is increasingly harder to ignore, but by retaliating and defending myself I end up playing into her martyred saga, where she gets to complain that I’m picking on her and being a bitch without admitting that she’s playing at least 50% of the roles. Because she genuinely can’t even see that she is the problem. And this fact makes me so paranoid that perhaps it’s *me* that can’t see I’m the problem? Maybe I am my mothers daughter?

It makes me sad. Sad for little me, who grew up with this emotional abuse for so long but was unaware of it. Little me who thought for a very long time (too long, well into adulthood) that the way her parents treated her was a reflection of the person she is. That if her own family can’t love her, she’s unlovable, she’s broken, she’s not worth anything. Little me who was never encouraged to be anything or to try or succeed because the mothership was too afraid that by becoming something, little me would become more and learn that her life wasn’t ‘normal’ and that her parents were supposed to support, not suppress.

It also makes me sad for 2014 me. I should have bigger problems than this. Normal problems. Not this emotionally stunted crap I have now. Sad for 2014 me who, until April this year had one person who had my back, and now had no one. Because of bullshit politics generated and encouraged by guess who. Divide and conquer.

Oh, the argument yesterday? Apparently all the things that are going wrong in the house ATM are my fault and the old mans. Because of our commitments, our jobs. Apparently it is more important for us to run our lives around the siblings because their job is ‘more permanent’. Yes the job that was offered to me. Being able to lump “Sibling has more rights and importance than you” and “Everything is your fault” into one conversation is a high skill even the mothership can’t usually achieve.

Oh well. This isn’t the first time she’s flared up and it wont be the last. With any luck I’ll be away from it soon.

On that note – forward progress on My Big Project is pootling along nicely. Hopefully will continue the forward match on the weekend with the help of an enthusiastic (but questionably reliable) friend. Then catch the other half up and it’s on like donkey kong. Ended up having to get a professional in but that wasn’t the end of the world as he’s a bit cute 😉

Life is very tiring ATM. Lots on, seems like I’m always doing something, and thinking about all the things I should be doing. And eating way too much crap. Fatty fat fat.

Happy things?
Progress in MBP.
The fact I can afford to eat all this shit food
Earning funds
The health of my boys
Nice smells
The cards falling your way
Friends who want to help 🙂

{July 6, 2014}   Happy Bloggiversary

Three year bloggiversary to me. Three years and I’ve whinged a lot, had some great epiphanies, worked through some shit, burnt off some spazz related stress and recorded some interesting stuff that will be nice to look back on.

On the flipside, I’ve made zero ‘friends’ via this blog, have no readers, and have put down no roots which is a bit sad. But then again that isn’t what this blog is made for.

One day I’ll sit down and read this from start to finish, and that will be a laugh. It will also be quite painful to read, I imagine, or at least some topics close to my heart will be. Many things have changed in the last three years in my life, some good, some bad, some funny, some devastating. It’s fascinating to have a record of all of this. But makes me sad to realise I lost all of my old blogs data, stops me from having that continuous record from… gosh… over a decade.

et cetera