Feeling that weird, borderline anxious lately that never reaches the pinnacle of spazz but hangs around and makes me feel off. Really didn’t want to blog about it, because I don’t want to read back later and see this negative shit but hey, it usually makes me feel better. So here it is. Perhaps this can be reviewed down the track as a good comparison to where I will hopefully be by then.

Had a run in with a local bitch in the area this week. It was very much a “well THAT escalated quickly” situation. Long story short, I was made to look bad and spoken unpleasantly about for something I was alleged to have done. Something that I am fairly sure is a lie created to make me look bad. Even now as I type it I don’t know why it upset me as much as it did. But allegations were made and I feel like the appropriate parties sided with the liar, not with me whom they know better and I deserve their trust. And that super pissed me off. Now… I know that none of it would’ve happened had I kept my opinion to myself but my opinion was fair and just, but this doesn’t seem to count for shit. And it once again reminds me that I really need to learn to shut up. My opinions often get me into trouble on the internet – never in real life (unless you count with the Mother and hey, she can disagree with me about what day it is so that hardly counts, right?) so I hope that the problem isn’t me, but perhaps with keyboard warriors?

I always fear that the problem is me. That I am incredibly unlikeable, that people just humour me. That I am nasty and unpleasant and people really do wish I’d just go away. That they’re talking behind my back and all agreeing that I’m just not a nice person at all. I’ve never had any reason to believe this to be true, other than the way that some people are so quick to attack online (always women!) and the fact that really, most people feel this way about the Mother and I worry that since she has no idea that this is the case, perhaps I am also blissfully unaware.

Anyway, blah blah blah. I’m more or less over it now, but I hold grudges and this woman had better not want anything other than a glare out of me for the rest of eternity. Or the people who backed her up. What a growing list of people who can go fuck themselves. That list is getting mighty long.

But I am definitely in a state ATM where I do not want to go to bed. I think it’s a hangover from the stress caused earlier in the week – when I go to bed, my mind races and it often leaves me feeling bad. This feeling I then associate with going to bed. It is a nasty cycle and can take me over a week to get out of. I seem to be in it now. I don’t usually have a way of stopping it, I just have to let it ride itself out. This is one of those times I wish PP was about, because I could sit up late chatting with him and go to bed at 4am feeling happy and loved, not stressy and fretful. I have been trying to lie back in the dark, hug my dogs and in my head list all the things that happened that day that was nice and made me happy, things that worked out well or ways I helped others – all the positive thoughts. I often fall asleep thinking of them. I am hoping to retrain my brain to thinking about nice stuff as I drift off… end the day as I intend to start it.

So, happy things in my life at present?

I have scored an avenue where I may be able to gain a little profit, with a fair bit of hard work. Not a career but an opportunity to perhaps take the pressure off elsewhere. Who knows how long it will last for – in my experience, the things I enjoy and am good at don’t tend to stick around long. I’m not very lucky in that aspect. But for now it will certainly help out, and when thrown into the mix with everything else… perhaps it WILL last and help me finally achieve the impossible – completing The Big Project. The Mother is already trying to turn it around to her, to how she can benefit, how she can make it hers. What a surprise.

I am half a unit from completing my studies for the year, which should officially allow me to consider myself clever. I am half a unit of completing my diploma. I will be the first person in the family to do so. I know it doesn’t sound much, but from a family of intelligent but under achieving people, this is pretty cool shit.

PP is still avoiding me and I do not give a shit at present. Lets hope that lasts. The giving a shit, not the avoiding bit. Now I have clapped eyes on him for the first time again, pressure is off. The family are wondering why he hasn’t bothered to drop in to see us. I haven’t the heart to tell them I don’t think we’ll see him again, unless it is required as part of his job or he REALLY wants to know some local gossip. I will always thank him for the lesson that a getting to know someone too well is dangerous.

Happiness list time.

• watching the pup being a healthy, normal, exuberant pup
• watching how the pup makes my dog feel young again
• home cooked meals
• moist chocolate cakes with fluffy icing
• clean houses
• completing jobs
• shopping online and getting bargains
• being complimented
• restful sleep
• vanilla
• cuddles from the cat
• aftershave
• home grown produce
• feeling like I’m ready to go to bed!

Sigh.

Once again I find myself in here, with no specific thing to word and yet a thousand complicated things bouncing around in my very being.

A guy is lingering around wanting my attention. It is playing out in a very similar pattern to how it did with PP, up to and including the wife. He thinks I’m beautiful. just the way I am. He wouldn’t change a thing. He thinks I can hold a conversation, that I look amazing. If he was a single man, he would be asking me on a date repeatedly. The things I see as faults, they’re nothing. I am great just the way I am. He’d pick me. He has thought that for a lot of years. He thinks I’m great. Blah blah blah. These were all his words, not mine. He thinks a lot about me, he likes me, he’s attracted to me, I’m great. I make him feel good. I’m beautiful, nice, kind, sweet, sexy, I’m Me, I’m awesome. He can say that any day, any time. I am awesome, I am ME. More of his words. Reading someone say all that about me, after having spent six months in hell, miserable after the way the first guy I fell in love with treated me, how it has panned out… being constantly run down and questioned by my mother, who treats me like shit and then plays the victim if I retaliate… is nice.

In fact those three little words “I’d pick you” bought tears to my eyes. Because that is everything I haven’t been feeling lately. I’ve just felt so down, so sad because I feel like no one picks me. No one wants me, I have always been second best. Married men want my attention but they’d never leave their wives (which I’m ok with, I don’t want a married man. But it’s the fact that I know I’m not worthy enough is saddening.) My mother prefers my sister and that’s very obvious. My friends like my company when no one else is around but they won’t answer my messages if there’s a better offer. No one picks me unless it benefits them to do so. No one seems to care about how I feel. So it’s nice to know that someone would have. Even if I’m not interested in him like that, it’s nice to know that I’m not forgotten, swept under the carpet.

I’m loving the attention but I’m also proud to report I can draw the line and have told him to watch his step. He understands. Another one that doesn’t want to cheat on the wifie, but just wants my attention to make himself feel good, I’m sure. Like PP, he wants to be loyal to the wife but wants me on the side, as a temptation. Like PP I know this guy from my past, without having been friends before. It’s a small world. Like PP this conversation was carried out between midnight and 2am, and like PP the wife was not home at the time. I’m sensing a trend.

I used to know a woman who only went for married men, she wasn’t attracted unless he was attached. It was like she had to drag him away from someone else to prove to herself she was wanted, because it meant he wanted her more than he wanted everyone else. It was sad and predictable and she’s dead now, she killed herself. I am so terrified of becoming that woman. That nothing will be good enough for me unless I’ve taken it from someone else. And that sucks arse because whilst I’ve been approached  by three married men in the past few years, I’ve never gone out and asked for this attention from any of these guys. Though I admit guilt with PP. I did enable him towards the end, when things started being reciprocated. I keep asking myself… why me? Why does every randy married guy in the area try it on with  me? And I can’t find answers. It’s been awhile since a single guy said anything!

I have a stomach ache, I think it’s a combination of carbonated drinks and the waistband of my jeans. I need to lose some fat. Stat. Even if I’m perfect as I am.

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