Broken Bella Donna

{May 22, 2014}  

What an amazing difference time makes. Reading back on some old letters I wrote to PP, and the feelings come back to me, but now with the added benefit of knowledge and a little more understanding.

I love you, even now. I did then and I still do. Was I pretending to myself otherwise? I don’t think so. I think I genuinely didn’t know or realise – I’ve led a loveless life for so long I was unaware of the depth of my feelings.

I wasn’t just in love with the situation, or in love with the idea of being in love. I was in love with you. I think I still am. I think I always will be. And I am absolutely 100% OK with that. It doesn’t hurt me to know this, I don’t feel bad. I don’t regret it or fight the feeling – after over 30 years of a loveless existence, I am so bloody rapt just to learn that I can. I honestly feel I am entirely happy just knowing that I love you, and not much will change that. Even if we’re not together, even if you’re with someone else, even if that never changes. I’m cool with that.

You are someone worth loving. You are wonderfully broken. You are made up of a million little things, not all of them are perfect, not all of them are even good or desirable. Lots of them aren’t great. But they make you you, and that means they’re lovely.

I just had the most amazing epiphany. You are me. I am you. Everything I just said applies to both of us. After devastating nights spent sobbing to myself in the dark, it has suddenly dawned on me how people have fallen in love with me. In spite of all my foibles. This is what has drawn us together… our similarities, the cracks in our facades. The late night dark moments, the early morning sillies. The arrogance, the fear. The masks we hide behind and the little insights into our souls when that mask slips, or is torn away by impetuous people in the witching hour when we should be tucked away in bed, hiding securely behind the darkness. I always said you were the other half of my soul, and damnit it is TRUE. This is what drew us together. You came into my life to teach me how to love myself – by falling in love with you, I fell in love with myself.

By accepting you, I accept myself.

We are both wonderful people, worthy of everything. I have learnt this from you. I hope I have given you some valuable life lesson as well – even if it may not reflect well on me.

I was right about one thing though – we don’t seem capable of going back. I feel like I could, but you are holding yourself clear of me. You’re too afraid to come down to me again, so you’ve gathered your folds around you, tucked yourself in tight, and you’re keeping well away from me, emotionally and physically. I can view this only three ways – you are no longer interested in being my friend, you no longer trust yourself not to fall headlong into disaster, or you feel you’re doing me some sort of favour by maintaining this cool demenour of not caring. After all we shared, I feel the first point is unlikely. I feel the second is highly likely. I feel the third is a potential. I’d vote 80/20, between the last two. But we have lost our friendship, we have lost our regular connection. You are no longer someone I can call ‘bestie’. But you’re still someone I consider a friend. I still love you, but I acknowledge that as an adult, sometimes we have to let things go that we want to hold onto because it’s the right thing to do.

I have full, complete trust that this is not the end. We will reconnect. When and under what circumstances I’m unsure… but we will. Because we have to. How could we not? Not even 1% of me can entertain the idea that we won’t connect again – and I don’t even feel like this is wishful thinking. It just seems… inevitable. I suspect that’s why I can handle not seeing you now so easily – because I know we are just biding our time. Have i watched too many lame movies? Am I unrealistic? I don’t think so. I just hope it isn’t TOO long, because, well, we’re wasting time here.

{May 9, 2014}   My life of argh…


First week – big life-for-the-next-few-months-will-now-be-debilitating-due-to-a bad spazz attack. Get a big charge of THIS HAS TO STOP! and start talking hard about going to the doc and finally doing something about it. Get all excited and YAY LIFE! every time I think about taking that step. Discover an associate has been prescribed drugs for stress.

Month later…

Second week – Stupid spazzy all day before, and start spazzing on the morning. Borrow stress drug from associate and take that – within 15 mins, relief. Spend the rest of the  morning feeling like something is missing, that there is a hole in my thoughts because I know I should  be spazzy but I’m not? Day continues more or less as normal with small spazz briefly. Get super excited about taking the next step and actually book appointment with doc.

Two days later – doc appointment. Get fairly spazzy leading up to. Matters are made worse when my appointment is bounced an hour back and I have to wait even longer than anticipated. Babble madly at doc and somehow get what I want anyway (after doc declares the whole thing to be ‘exhausting’). I am officially medicated for spazz attacks. On an as needs basis, nothing permanent.

3 days later – today. Tomorrow is the third Spazz Inducing Occasion for the year. I feel a little spazzy but in a more normal way (I think)… I don’t know if I should take the meds tonight, to settle my brain from over reacting or not. I suppose it’s so late now it’s probably not worth it. I’ll just wait until tomorrow morning, see if I need them and take one then? Part of me hopes I do, so I can take one, have it work and be reassured…. most of me hopes I don’t, because frankly I’m just sick of them.

It feels like I’ve been sitting on the fringe of a spazz attack (if not actively having one) for over a month now. It’s doing my head in. When I’m not feeling like I could go at any minute, I’m jumping for joy at the fact that I (at first) felt brave enough at last to go see a doc, and then (after) elated that I finally did it. I have daily pain in my upper back from tensing my shoulders and neck, and reoccurring pain in my lower back from tensing.

But lets not ignore the fact it’s taken 17 years but I got there. I saw a doc. IS THAT NOT THE MOST EXCITING THING EVER? Now all I can think about is what happens if it doesn’t work out? What if I have another attack even after I’ve taken a pill, and I’m back to square one? Blargh. Stop it.

This is possibly the biggest step I’ve taken in my adult life – if i can reign in the spazz attacks, I can start doing stuff that everyone else does. I can start living my life instead of sitting back behind a curtain, peeking through at everyone else living theirs and wondering why I have to miss out. If I can cut off spazz attacks at the start, I will stop assuming that they are around every corner. I will forget about them being a drama. I will know that even if one does arise, I don’t need to worry about it – I can just pop a magic pill and it will go away. The mere fact of knowing I can get rid of them should be sufficient to stop them – that’s how it works. It’s all anticipatory for me.

Even if this isn’t the LAST step, it is the FIRST. And the first is the hardest to take. I need to remember that… remember that I have taken the bravest step someone like me can take. I have looked it in the eye and said ENOUGH. I want my life back. I’m tired of dodging events because  I might spazz. I’m tired of lying to people and making excuses as to why I don’t do things. I’m tired of not taking opportunities because I’m too scared. I’m tired of being stressed out, tense, angry, unhappy and regretful.

I think it’s time to be me. It’s taken over half of my life,  but hopefully 🙂

Back is trying hard to chuck it in again. Might throw back a panadol and go to bed, try and get some sleep and pray to Henry that tomorrow brings a lovely start and an awesome day.

Happy things?

  • Ongoing progress on My Big Project, and we’re getting better at it so there’s some help yet for a semi professional finish
  • Put my #1 boy on a new supplement that has really worked for him and hardly a sign of problems ATM
  • snuggly bedsocks for cold nights
  • might have finally found the best shampoo and condition for my hair? Watch this space
  • being awesome x

et cetera